Confession part 1

My biggest fears came true. I got so deeply in troubles that I had to give up and tell the truth to my family. That´s a thing you cannot prepare for. I tried to but I couldn´t sleep for a few days and nights. I was wondering how to tell that I´ve fallen again. That I am in debts, huge debts. After all the promises that I gave to them, that it was the last time. But I was sure that now I will do it, that I will succeed at this. And this time I really meant it. Family took me back after my first collapse. I got back their trust and they helped me. I know it wasn´t easy, not for them and not for me. I still remember my father, who couldn´t figure it out. Asking how I cannot see how this is going to end. He didn´t understand how can someone be as normal and clever as I am and still spend one thousand euros in one night, get more money and then spend it again at the same night. He was yelling at me and wondering how? For him this seemed insane. I really didn´t know how to define it. I tried to explain that it just pulls you in. You talk to yourself, you tell yourself off, because you know you should not play. And you don´t gave in, not for the first time, not the second and not even the third time. But at the fourth time I was powerless, my will and desire were too strong. I felt like I had to win back all the money that I have lost. And now I had to tell my family, that I was hiding something from them for a long time. That I had new-old problems that were even bigger that time. Situation was helpless and I was desperate. After few weeks of preparation I still did not have the courage to do the next step, until my position forced me to reveal the truth to them. All the breaks fell, all the shortcuts were gone. There was only one way, and that was to beg for help and for their forgiveness. At this point I was under extreme stress, I wasn´t sleeping for weeks, my interception of the world was foggy, illusions were all around me. Burden and fear, which was my biggest opponent, drove my body to physical and psychological exhaustion. I will never forget the moment when I told the truth to my girlfriend and my family. After eruption of information’s, feelings and honesty, my body became light like a feather, like all the burdens of this world fell off me. After few long years of escalating pressures and stress came a relief. Even if I actually didn´t solve anything yet. But then something else happened, now the lives of my family collapsed. That stroke them down brutally. After all my promises I did it again. All those years I was lying and deceiving them. Even though my feelings were numb, that meant new troubles for me. New knockout. I put down my girlfriend and family again, the people that I love the most on this world. After three years of break I visited my psychotherapist once again and told him everything that happened since our last meeting. After long time of talking, I told him everything truthfully. Meetings normally last 45min, now it was more than 2 hours. We decided that there were two possible ways of how my life is going to continue. If I continue without help, there will be just struggling from day to day blind from gambling addiction. That would likely lead to losing job, family and additionally in criminal. Without help I wasn´t able to made turnover, I was living in virtual world in a vicious circle that is very difficult to escape. I was so powerless, weak and resigned to my faith that I wasn´t able to help myself. Other path was, that I face with my addiction problems with help of experts. I chose treatment in psychological hospital at the department for addictions. Of course I was afraid, because I had no clue how it will look like. Even more I was ashamed, how could this happened to me. Why did I have to go in psychological hospital? That is a place for crazy people. Does that mean then that I am crazy? I had a lot of problems at my job, I was in trouble because of my behavior and sloppiness. I was surprised that my bosses accepted the course of treatment so well. They were very supportive and kind. I am truly grateful and thankful for this. Here in Slovenia hospitals don´t have departments only for gambling addictions as this area is not well researched. Because of that I was accepted in the department for people with alcohol addictions. When the time for my hospitalization came, my thoughts were killing me from the inside. Should I go? Did I really reach such a low point in my life? This will be dark mark on my life forever. On the inside I was fighting my crazy thoughts, but on the outside I was just following my girlfriend who escorted me to this terrible and fearful institution. In front of me were a few months of isolation. At reception they gave me instructions and I had to say goodbye in a hurry to my girlfriend who stand next to me. I did it awkwardly, frightened and with tears in my eyes. I left her and put all of my energy, all last atom’s into walking and trying to look as normal as possible.

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