Basic problems part – 6

After first few weeks of the treatment I got basic insight in my problems. I reconcile with the fact, that addiction was controlling my life. During this period, I accepted many compromises that were inevitable because of hiding the truth, running away from real feelings and because of creating false ego. I wasn’t capable of facing the truth. I was determined to change this. I accepted my dark side and started working on my mental health. I stopped running away from problems.

I analysed my problems and that drove me closer to the essence and source of them. Addiction originates inside of us. It is affected by family relationships, patterns, from the way you were raised up and by mental characteristics of a person. Most important period when susceptibility to gambling addiction is build up is from your birth to the sixth year of life. In this period there are many experiences that can cause trauma. We can be aware of it or not. We can repress traumatic feelings in our subconscious. It is believed that even the period of mother´s pregnancy is very important for mental health of a baby in the future. Most common mental characteristics of an addict are lack of self-respect, incapability of emotional communication (positive and negative), sense of inferiority, doubtfulness, need to be addicted to something or someone and too sensitive for daily problems. The cause of every addiction is very familiar. A lot of the times happens that someone gets rid of one addiction but then suffers from another. I find myself in many descriptions of addicts.

My family picture looks like this: father is not a strong figure, mother is the main figure, she controls everything and make allowances to a child. During child´s growing up parents have very different approaches. Sometimes they are too strict, other times too soft. I remember that I was really upset and angry because of badly set boundaries. Now I also have problems with boundaries. I rarely know how to put up for myself. In families of gambling addicts, money must´ve been really important. It was the same with us. Because I am a son of young parents, who weren´t planning the pregnancy, talking about problems with money was on the daily basis. Parents told me, that if they argued about something, it was almost every time about money. About the lack of it. I didn’t really know what they were arguing about but I took this in my adult life with me.

At this point of the treatment I was more or less aware only of basic consequences of my gambling. Most obvious one was the big debt that is really hard to pay off. Every time I remembered the debt I got bad feeling. If I am not careful, I get angry and frustrated because of it. Very noticeable difference between addict and non-addict is also not keeping up with peers, most of the time seen on material things. This can be quite painful for me. Other consequence is also that I am still living with my parents which I otherwise wouldn´t anymore. Because of addiction I isolated myself from anyone and anything that I could. I lied, a lot, so hard that it developed into a pathological lying. I am very ashamed of it. I lied about small things that didn´t even matter to me. After it I asked myself, why did I lie right now? I actually didn’t know why. I just did it subconsciously. Simply, this is pathological lying. Very important consequence is that I lost trust of many people. Fact that I lost trust of my girlfriend, my family and good friends hurts the most. Those to whom you have the deepest feelings and you love them, they get hurt the most. Terrible is that I did it again and again. After that I felt guilty, ashamed, burdened because of it. I was angry on myself for doing this to my loved ones. When I am thinking about all of the consequences it can happen fast that I fell negative energy taking over me. Then I remember myself that working on mental health must be my priority and it will get better.

Published by D23

Gambling addict in recovery.

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