As Osho, Indian guru and mystic, says, life begins where fear ends. I found his books when I was solving my mental problems. I discovered, that deep inside me I had problems with fear. I didn’t appreciate my choices and I always sought other´s opinions. To me it was always very important what other people think about me, my acts and what are they going to say about it. I grew up whit that kind of thinking. It was always important how do I look and act like on outside, and didn´t matter what I really think or how I feel. I was afraid that real me would not suit others, and because of that I tried to do everything to satisfy everyone else but me. Many times fear slowed me down, paralysed or totally stopped me. In some point of my life I stopped moving forward and I started gambling. That’s how I forgot about my problems. That was my escape from reality.
Strong impact on my treatment came from my decision that I really want to get rid of addiction and that I am willing to fight for this. I am ready for changes. With help of positive thinking and positive looking on life I started moving forward. Osho teaches us that we had to transfer our focus from our mind to our heart. Think less, feel more. We shouldn’t be afraid of new. He says:
˝Commit as many mistakes as possible, remembering only one thing: don’t commit the same mistake again. And you will be growing.˝
When I was reading his books I started to look differently on my gambling addiction. I cannot change what has already happened. But I can accept what I have done so far and learn from my mistakes. I figured out that I don’t know how to express positive anger. I suppressed that feeling in my childhood, because I was thought that being angry is accepted as bad manners. I also don’t know how to express sadness. I suppressed both feeling and moved on with my life like nothing have happened in between. Osho says that ˝Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the center of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it is. The bigger the tree, the bigger the roots. In fact, it is always in proportion, in balance.˝ At this point I accepted myself as I am. Apparently my roots were too shallow for my life goals. That means that I am in a phase of getting stronger and deeper roots. Of course it won´t happen without work. You have to put in a lot of effort and hard work.
I caught myself thinking too much about many scenarios and possible outcomes. I frequently got lost in my mind. Overthinking and complicating about things won´t get you in the right direction. I tried to do more and think less.
˝Remember, the head as a slave is a beautiful slave, very beneficial. But as a master it is a dangerous master and can poison life.˝
Gradually I got more motivated for treatment and determined that I will overcome addiction. I slowly got more courageous. I remembered thoughts from book: ˝Courage is not the absence of fear. It is, rather, the total presence of fear, with the courage to face it˝. I set new little goals daily. With every accomplished goal my confidence grew up. I broaden my horizons. I noticed more and more. I started to admire everyday little things.
˝Once you start seeing the beauty of life, ugliness starts disappearing. If you start looking at life with joy, sadness starts disappearing. You cannot have heaven and hell all together, you can only have one. It is your choice.˝
That really was very different way of thinking compared to what I was used to. Some quotes seemed too easy to me. It has to be more difficult than this. It is hard to accept all this thinking and stay calm. Day by day I stared using these approaches and responses in situations that happened to me in real life. When I accepted myself as I am, and not as I wanted to be, when I convinced myself that I am responsible only for me, everything started to feel a little bit better and easier. And what was the most important for me, I accepted my addiction.
˝The ego is a process, not a reality. The ego is the owner of desires and fears. He uses both at the same time. The ego is driven by desires, it gives it vitality, strength, energy. Without desire, the ego stops. There is no method to expose the ego. Insight is needed.˝
I first heard about the anonymous gambler community ten years ago. I knew there were groups for Alcoholics Anonymous, but nothing more. As my gambling became unmanageable, I sought for help for the first time in my life. This was towards the end of my University time in Ljubljana. I found the contact number, meetingContinue reading “Gamblers Anonymous part -14”
Za skupnost anonimnih hazarderjev sem prvič slišal pred desetimi leti. Znano mi je bilo, da obstajajo skupine za anonimne alkoholike, kaj več pa ne. Ker je moje gemblanje postalo neobvladljivo, sem si proti koncu študija v Ljubljani prvič poiskal pomoč. Na spletu sem našel kontaktno številko, lokacijo sestanka in termin. Zelo dobro se spominjam, kakšneContinue reading “Anonimni hazarderji del-14”
After a long break, I have new motivation to write. It’s been over a year since the last bet. I will definitely remember 2020, because it was the first in the last eight years without gambling. The unusual and turbulent year, which was for many people one of the most difficult and unpopular in theirContinue reading “A year without gambling has passed part-13”