Gambling darkness

During treatment, I found that men find it really difficult to express their emotions. It is hard for them to talk openly about anything. There is no need, because they are fine anyway. It could be worse. There are problems but we will get through somehow. Why would one spent time with friends for talking about pointless problems. Who even wants to talk about them. That was usually my opinion. It’s not that important, I’ll take care of it myself. I will fix everything, just so that luck turns around and I earn enough with the bets. The rest will be solved somehow.

There were mostly men in the treatment. One more incapable of talking about his emotions than the other. All addicted but without real problems. We didn’t even know why exactly were we there. In our free time, during lectures and lessons, we had a lot of fun. You could learn most of the truth through humor. In jokes, anything is allowed. Through humorous stories, I discovered the depth of the problems and unimaginable horrors from the youth of many patients. I have also found that many have already given up and the likelihood of their bright future is small.

Men are still brought up in a sense that emotions are reserved for women. We are taught that men must always be strong and that men endure pain instead of crying by clenching our teeth and fists. The result, however, is that we do not solve all our small and big problems but suppress them. We often show our distress indirectly through the abuse of gambling, alcohol and illegal drugs, or through overwork. Thus, even the smallest everyday problems can guide our lives, but we are not even aware of it.

I began to realize that everyone has their own life story. Each is unique and many have walked the hellish path. It is difficult to come to terms to with the uneven distribution of life’s trials. Why do the lives of some involve so much trouble and pain while others live almost like in a fairytale. At least a shallow perception of reality gives such a feeling. Obviously, everyone needs to learn different lessons and experience the moments that are meant for them. It is pointless to compare yourself to others because your path is only yours and is unique.

The hardest part in the process of my addiction was recognition. First to myself and of course to everyone around me. What will others say? It will be a disgrace and a humiliation to my ego. This will spoil the opinions of others about me. I was immensely afraid and ashamed of this. How could I get so deep into trouble? What kind of a man am I? Of course, I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I tried to hide everything from others. I didn’t dare, I didn’t know, and I wasn’t able to take a realistic look at the problems.

Instead of worrying about what’s going on with me, why is it happening to me and where is it leading, why don’t I talk to anyone about this, why am I scared to death of my life, I was concerned about the opinions of others if they found out about my secret.

Already in one of the previous records I mentioned that reading and reciting poems became popular activities during my treatment. In the next poem, which is the work of Andrej Rozman Roza, there are many answers to the questions I asked myself. It stuck in my heart.

I have to tell you something

There must be someone for everyone,
whom he trusts so much,
that he can be trusted,
when it is difficult for him.
 
There must be someone for everyone,
who understands and listens to him,
when his soul is frozen
and his heart is sick.
 
Someone you can trust even with those problems
which I would like to erase from my head,
and she can also tell him that
which is not easy to say.
 
But talking is for a man
even more important than the dress
and at the same time a rare thing today
for which no money is required.

Talking is not just for fun,
it is also healing when we have a problem
and we suffocate in our own minds,
until we share them with someone else.
 
Conversation is closeness and warmth,
by talking we are family and group.
By talking, man intertwines with man,
by talking we are a network even outside the internet.