A year without gambling has passed part-13

After a long break, I have new motivation to write. It’s been over a year since the last bet. I will definitely remember 2020, because it was the first in the last eight years without gambling. The unusual and turbulent year, which was for many people one of the most difficult and unpopular in their history, was full of successes and new beginnings for me. It also brought me some difficult life and business trials and insights. It amazes me how far back those dark times seem. At the time, the situation seemed hopeless, desperate and unsolvable.

Well, it’s possible. If I succeeded, so can you. Things are changing very slowly, but they are changing. I admit, I often overtake and try to resolve situations a bit forcefully. Without quality consideration. I want to arrange everything quickly. I want to make up for the time that I have lost. But that’s unfortunately not the case. Even more, when I exaggerate and skip steps, I slip back again. I’m learning slowly. Usually solely on my own experience. That’s expensive  school.

I expected to rectify the consequences of eight years of gambling in one year. Impossible. I realized that thinking like that is pure utopia. After all, financial debt is just one of the consequences of dependence and is equivalent to others. However, just accepting such thinking, I consider it a success.

On one hand youth can be a double-edged sword in the fight against addiction. It helps me a lot in many situations. I have a tremendous amount of energy, a great desire to succeed, a desire to correct the wrong decisions of the past. Physical strength is also on my side. I am willing to persist in difficult situations in order for me to succeed. But on the other, many times youth is a weak point. The desire to correct mistakes and to prove myself can drive me off track. With head through the wall.

Thus, the longer absence of writing is also the result of one of the attempts at a new career path. I thought of a side job in the afternoon. I got a great opportunity and dedicated the second half of the year to it. I put in a lot of energy, but I wasn´t feeling right. It took me quite some time to admit to myself that the job didn’t suit me. Because I didn’t want to throw away such a good opportunity to make extra money, I insisted. However, I think the final decision was the right one. Sometimes you just have to give up. I once didn’t know how to or if I could do that. During this job, I met many wonderful people and gained a lot of new experience and knowledge. I am grateful for the opportunity, which is a great starting point for the continuation of life.

Shifting energy and focus to the new work has left many consequences. My daily rhythm has changed completely. Many habits, which I acquired during and after treatment, were abandoned due to lack of time. This also reflected in my psyche. Mood swings intensified, negativity grew, and the resolution of current problems shrank. I felt old feelings of helplessness and headless attempts. Lack of self-reflection. Too few honest conversations. The key realization was that I was moving away from myself. A strong self-image and a positive state of mind need to be built and nurtured. Every little thing matters. Every thought counts.

Published by D23

Gambling addict in recovery.

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