Why don’t we talk about problems? Part – 11

During treatment, I found that men find it really difficult to express their emotions. It is hard for them to talk openly about anything. There is no need, because they are fine anyway. It could be worse. There are problems but we will get through somehow. Why would one spent time with friends for talking about pointless problems. Who even wants to talk about them. That was usually my opinion. It’s not that important, I’ll take care of it myself. I will fix everything, just so that luck turns around and I earn enough with the bets. The rest will be solved somehow.

There were mostly men in the treatment. One more incapable of talking about his emotions than the other. All addicted but without real problems. We didn’t even know why exactly were we there. In our free time, during lectures and lessons, we had a lot of fun. You could learn most of the truth through humor. In jokes, anything is allowed. Through humorous stories, I discovered the depth of the problems and unimaginable horrors from the youth of many patients. I have also found that many have already given up and the likelihood of their bright future is small.

Men are still brought up in a sense that emotions are reserved for women. We are taught that men must always be strong and that men endure pain instead of crying by clenching our teeth and fists. The result, however, is that we do not solve all our small and big problems but suppress them. We often show our distress indirectly through the abuse of gambling, alcohol and illegal drugs, or through overwork. Thus, even the smallest everyday problems can guide our lives, but we are not even aware of it.


I began to realize that everyone has their own life story. Each is unique and many have walked the hellish path. It is difficult to come to terms to with the uneven distribution of life’s trials. Why do the lives of some involve so much trouble and pain while others live almost like in a fairytale. At least a shallow perception of reality gives such a feeling. Obviously, everyone needs to learn different lessons and experience the moments that are meant for them. It is pointless to compare yourself to others because your path is only yours and is unique.


The hardest part in the process of my addiction was recognition. First to myself and of course to everyone around me. What will others say? It will be a disgrace and a humiliation to my ego. This will spoil the opinions of others about me. I was immensely afraid and ashamed of this. How could I get so deep into trouble? What kind of a man am I? Of course, I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I tried to hide everything from others. I didn’t dare, I didn’t know, and I wasn’t able to take a realistic look at the problems.

Instead of worrying about what’s going on with me, why is it happening to me and where is it leading, why don’t I talk to anyone about this, why am I scared to death of my life, I was concerned about the opinions of others if they found out about my secret.

Already in one of the previous records I mentioned that reading and reciting poems became popular activities during my treatment. In the next poem, which is the work of Andrej Rozman Roza, there are many answers to the questions I asked myself. It stuck in my heart.

I have to tell you something

There must be someone for everyone,
whom he trusts so much,
that he can be trusted,
when it is difficult for him.
 
There must be someone for everyone,
who understands and listens to him,
when his soul is frozen
and his heart is sick.
 
Someone you can trust even with those problems
which I would like to erase from my head,
and she can also tell him that
which is not easy to say.
 
But talking is for a man
even more important than the dress
and at the same time a rare thing today
for which no money is required.

Talking is not just for fun,
it is also healing when we have a problem
and we suffocate in our own minds,
until we share them with someone else.
 
Conversation is closeness and warmth,
by talking we are family and group.
By talking, man intertwines with man,
by talking we are a network even outside the internet.

Zakaj se ne pogovarjamo o težavah? del – 11

Strast je most, ki te lahko popelje od bolečine do spremembe.(Frida Kahlo)

Tekom zdravljenja sem ugotavljal, da imamo moški res hude težave z izražanjem svojih čustev. Težko se zgodi, da se o tem odkrito pogovarjamo. Saj ni potrebe, ker smo tako ali tako v redu. Lahko bi bilo huje. Problemi so ampak bom že nekako. Zakaj bi čas, ko sem s prijatelji zapravljal za brezvezne težave in pogovore o njih. Kdo si sploh želi pogovora o tem. To je bilo moje običajno mišljenje. Saj ni tako pomembno, bom že sam uredil. Vse bom popravil, samo, da se sreča obrne in s stavami dovolj zaslužim. Ostalo se bo že nekako rešilo.

Na zdravljenju smo bili večinoma moški. Eden bolj nezmožen govoriti o svojih čustvih kot drugi. Vsi hudo odvisni ampak brez težav. Sploh nismo vedeli, zakaj točno smo tam. V prostem času, med predavanji in učnimi urami, smo se kar zabavali. Največ resnice si lahko izvedel skozi humor. V šalah je vse dovoljeno. Skozi šaljive zgodbe sem odkrival globino težav in nepredstavljive grozote iz mladosti mnogih zdravljencev. Ugotovil sem tudi, da so se mnogi že vdali in je verjetnost za  njihovo svetlo prihodnost majhna.

Moški smo še vedno deležni vzgoje, v kateri je predajanje čustvom rezervirano za ženske. Učijo nas, da moramo biti moški vedno močni in da bolečino namesto z jokom prenašamo s stiskanjem zob in pesti. Rezultat tega pa je, da vseh svojih majhnih in velikih problemov ne razrešimo ampak potlačimo. Svoje stiske pogosto kažemo posredno z zlorabo iger na srečo, alkohola in prepovedanih drog ali pa s prekomernim delom. Tako lahko tudi najmanjši vsakodnevni problemi usmerjajo naša življenja pa se tega sploh ne zavedamo.

Zavedati sem se začel, da ima vsak svojo življenjsko zgodbo. Vsaka je edinstvena in marsikdo je prehodil prav peklensko pot. Težko se je sprijazniti z neenakomerno porazdelitvijo življenjskih preizkušenj. Zakaj življenja enih vključujejo toliko težav in bolečine, medtem ko drugi živijo skoraj kot v pravljici. Vsaj plitvo dojemanje realnosti daje takšen občutek. Očitno se mora vsak naučiti drugačnih lekcij in doživeti trenutke, ki so mu namenjeni. Nesmiselno se je primerjati z drugimi kajti tvoja pot je samo tvoja in je edinstvena.

Najtežji del v procesu moje odvisnosti je bil priznanje. Najprej sebi in seveda tudi vsem okrog mene. Kaj bodo rekli drugi? To bo sramota in ponižanje za moj ego. To bo pokvarilo mnenja drugih o meni. Tega me je bilo neizmerno strah in sram. Kako sem mogel tako globoko zabresti v težave? Kakšen moški pa sem? Seveda se nisem o tem z nikomer pogovarjal. Vse sem skušal skriti pred drugimi. Nisem si upal, nisem znal in nisem bil zmožen realnega pogleda na probleme.

Namesto, da bi me skrbelo kaj se dogaja z mano, zakaj se mi to dogaja in kam to vodi? Zakaj se s kom ne pogovorim okrog tega?  Zakaj me je na smrt strah svojega življenja? Namesto tega so me skrbela mnenja drugih, če bi izvedeli za mojo skrivnost.

Že v enem od prejšnjih zapisov sem omenil, da sta branje in recitiranje pesmi postali priljubljeni dejavnosti tekom mojega zdravljenja. V naslednji pesmi, ki je delo Andreja Rozmana Roze se skriva veliko odgovorov na vprašanja, ki sem si jih zastavljal. Meni se je vtisnila v srce.

Nekaj ti moram povedati

Za vsakogar mora obstajati nekdo, 
kateremu tako zaupa,
da se mu lahko zaupa,
ko mu je težko.

Za vsakogar mora obstajati nekdo,
ki ga razume in posluša,
ko mu je zmrznjena duša
in mu je v srcu slabo.

Nekdo, kateremu lahko zaupa tudi tiste težave,
ki bi jih najrajši izbrisal iz glave,
in mu lahko pove tudi to,
kar ni povedati lahko.

A pogovarjanje je za človeka
še bolj pomembno kot obleka
in hkrati danes redka stvar
za katero ni potreben denar.

Pogovarjanje ni le za zabavo,
zdravilno je tudi, ko imamo težavo
in se v lastnih mislih dušimo,
dokler jih še z nekom ne delimo.

Pogovarjanje je bližina in toplina,
s pogovarjanjem smo družina in skupina.
S pogovarjanjem se človek s človekom prepleta,
s pogovarjanjem smo mreža tudi zunaj interneta.

Do you believe in destiny? Part – 10

I have heard many times that our lives unfold as we are destined. That we are born with purpose and reason and that things happen as written in the stars. Things and events are predetermined. Is that really so? An old proverb says: “man is turning and life turns”. What about our free will? Don’t we influence the development of life ourselves with our decisions, choices and beliefs?

I also thought a lot about this topic during the treatment. If destiny exists, why did I land here in the hospital? What is the purpose of my life? Did I have to overcome my addiction to be able to build new and better foundations for the future? Or maybe I just didn’t know how to listen and I was acting against myself all the time. Addiction could be the result of lifestyle and running away from responsibility and growing up.

But destiny can also be an excuse for everything that happens to us. An excuse for all the problems we don’t know how or can’t solve. As well as for situations in which we find ourselves and find no real reason for them. The belief I have formed about the meaning of destiny is that I believe in destiny, but not in its complete determination. I think it is determined (or we have chosen so) what we would like to learn and what we want to test ourselves in this life. But still, we have free will and power to change things.


I know that belief in destiny can be a kind of defense mechanism that is triggered when dealing with failure. When a man tries to success, he fails. He tries several times, but fails. Failure is hard to come to terms with and many give in to fate. They take solace in the phrase “it was not meant for me.” With each retry, there is less hope and weaker self-confidence, and the chances of failure increase. Guilt is easiest to attribute to “higher” force or fate.

The psychotherapist I visited says it doesn’t matter if we believe in fate or not.

˝If you believe in destiny and it helps you, continue to believe in it. If you think that destiny does not exist and that works better for you, also continue˝.

Belief in destiny has as much power as we allow it ourselves. It can have tremendous power. It can affect us positively or negatively, but only if we truly believe. Positive thoughts are extremely important in our lives because they affect our unconscious. If we believe that our destiny will be beautiful, positive and worth the effort, there is a very high probability that it will truly be so.

Ever since I accepted addiction as a part of myself and the path of overcoming addiction as my destiny, positive and amazing things have been happening more often.


The last such experience was unexpected and very special. A business routine meeting, which is expected to last 10 to 15 minutes, proved to be a two-hour therapy. The conversation “forced” me to admit my problems about addiction from the very beginning. I also told that I had undergone hospital treatment for addiction and that it was one of the best decisions in my life. Then things turned around. I noticed that the person sitting opposite me was touched by my words. He gave me a deep look that spoke more than a thousand words. Is this possible? The next two hours were amazing. Two complete strangers exchanged life stories with all the darkest details and unpleasant truths. I came across a “gambler” soul, felt it, and trusted it in an instant. We did not have to explain the behaviors, events, feelings, and doubts we experienced. Everything matched. I wondered if this was fate? Were we meant to meet? I met a wonderful person who has been struggling with addiction for half of his life. I felt a great desire of my interlocutor for a transformation. He is directing his energy in solving his problems that arose and he would like to find peace in his soul. I completely understood him.


But something that began to develop in early childhood intensified in youth and expressed itself forcefully in the transition to adulthood. This something is the complicated mind of gamblers. So if something develops for so long, even resolving, getting to know and accepting it is not easy. Accepting and arranging something that is deeply rooted in our personality is a process that takes many years.

Ali verjameš v usodo? Del – 10

Velikokrat sem že slišal, da se naša življenja odvijajo, kot nam je usojeno. Da se rodimo z namenom in razlogom ter se stvari dogajajo kot je zapisano v zvezdah. Stvari in dogodki so v naprej določeni. Pa je to res tako? Star pregovor pravi: ˝človek obrača, življenje pa obrne˝. Kaj pa naša svobodna volja? Ali ne vplivamo na razvoj življenja sami s svojimi odločitvami, izbirami in prepričanji?

Med zdravljenjem sem tudi o tej tematiki veliko razmišljal. Če usoda obstaja, zakaj sem pristal tukaj v bolnišnici? Kakšen je torej namen mojega življenja? Sem moral premagati odvisnost, da lahko na tem gradim nove in bolj trdne temelje za prihodnost? Morda pa se preprosto nisem znal poslušati in sem ves čas deloval proti sebi. Odvisnost bi lahko bila posledica načina življenja ter bežanja pred odgovornostjo in odraščanjem.

Usoda pa je lahko tudi izgovor za vse, kar se nam dogaja. Izgovor za vse težave, ki jih ne znamo ali ne zmoremo rešiti. Pa tudi za situacije v katerih se znajdemo in zanje ne najdemo pravega razloga. Prepričanje, ki sem ga izoblikoval glede pomena usode je neka srednja pot. Verjamem v usodo, ne pa v njeno popolno določenost. Menim, da je določeno (morda smo si izbrali), česa bi se radi naučili in v čem bi se preizkusili v tem življenju. Seveda pa imamo svobodno voljo in moč, da stvari spremenimo.

Vem, da je vera v usodo lahko vrsta obrambnega mehanizma, ki se sproži ob spopadanju z neuspehom. Ko se človek trudi uspeti, pa mu spodleti. Poskuša večkrat, a mu ne uspe. Z neuspehom se je težko sprijazniti in številni se vdajo v usodo. Tolažijo se s frazo ˝ni mi bilo namenjeno˝. Z vsakim ponovnim  poskusom je upanje manjše in zaupanje vase šibkejše, s tem pa se možnosti za neuspeh večajo. Krivdo je najlažje pripisati ˝višji˝ sili ali usodi.

Psihoterapevt, ki sem ga obiskoval, pravi, da je vseeno, če verjamemo v usodo ali ne.

˝Če verjamete v usodo in vam to pomaga, kar nadaljujte z verovanjem vanjo. Če mislite, da usoda ne obstaja in vam je tako bolje, prav tako nadaljujte.˝

Vera v usodo ima toliko moči, kolikor sami dopustimo. Lahko ima izjemno moč. Na nas lahko vpliva pozitivno ali negativno, vendar pod pogojem, da resnično verjamemo. Pozitivne misli so v naših življenjih izredno pomembne, ker vplivajo na naše nezavedno. Če verjamemo, da bo naša usoda lepa, pozitivna in vredna truda, je zelo velika verjetnost, da bo resnično takšna.

Odkar sem odvisnost sprejel kot del sebe in pot premagovanja odvisnosti kot svojo usodo, se pozitivne in neverjetne stvari dogajajo pogosteje.

Zadnja takšna izkušnja je bila nepričakovana in prav posebna. Poslovni sestanek, ki predvidoma traja od 10 do 15 minut, se je izkazal kot dvourna terapija. Pogovor me je že na začetku ˝prisilil˝ v priznanje mojih težav in odvisnosti. Povedal sem tudi, da sem prestal bolnišnično zdravljenje odvisnosti in da je bila to ena najboljših odločitev v mojem življenju. Nato pa so se stvari obrnile. Opazil sem, da so osebo, ki je sedela nasproti mene moje besede vznemirile. Vrnila mi je globok pogled, ki je govoril več kot tisoč besed. Ali je to mogoče? Naslednji dve uri sta bili neverjetni. Dva popolna tujca sta si izmenjala življenjski zgodbi z vsemi najtemačnejšimi podrobnostmi in neprijetnimi resnicami. Naletel sem na ˝gamblersko˝ dušo, jo začutil in ji v trenutku zaupal. Ni nama bilo treba pojasnjevati vedenja, dogodkov, občutkov in dvomov, ki sva jih doživela. Vse se je ujemalo. Spraševal sem se ali je to usoda? Nama je bilo namenjeno, da sva se srečala? Srečal sem čudovito osebo, ki se že pol svojega življenja bori z odvisnostjo. Začutil sem veliko željo mojega sogovornika po preobrazbi. Energijo usmerja v reševanje nastalih težav in rad bi našel mir v duši. Popolnoma sem ga razumel.

Ampak nekaj, kar se je pričelo razvijati že v ranem otroštvu, se je v mladosti okrepilo in se silovito izrazilo na prehodu v odraslost. Ta nekaj je zakomplicirani um hazarderjev. Če se torej nekaj razvija tako dolgo, tudi reševanje, spoznavanje in sprejemanje tega ni enostavno. Sprejemanje in urejanje nečesa,kar je globoko zakoreninjeno v naši osebnosti, je proces, ki lahko traja več let.

What to do, when crisis strikes?part – 9

No matter how good an abstinence plan you set for yourself, no matter how strongly motivated and determined you are, a crisis occurs. It has surprised me at first. I felt helpless and listless, but I didn’t realize I was in a crisis.

Over time, I learned to observe and recognize myself and my feelings. It was then that I realized that the signs of crisis have been appearing for a long time. When they occur, it shows in different ways, for example I get tired, as if my energy is just pouring out. Before exhaustion I am often restless and irritable. Everything feels hard to do. I am tired, but not because of physical exertion. Something is consuming me from the inside out. I would rather sleep to avoid these feeling, I want it to disappear. In such period I instinctively isolate myself. Suddenly I see everything pessimistically and hopelessly.

It is important that each addict prepares a plan for himself. What will you do when a crisis strikes. You should make a list of things you can do to avoid being stunned. You need alternative ways to regulate your emotions, through which you redirect your energy somewhere else where it doesn’t hurt you. Good examples are running, exercising, talking to a friend, walking in nature, talking to a mentor or therapist, talking in a therapy group, you can also write a diary or a blog. Because everyone is different, each individual must find out what suits them.

My first “safety valve” is running. I’ve been running since ever. When I was in a good or a bad mood, even during hospital treatment I ran a lot. Energy expenditure needs are different: sometimes I run for more than an hour, other times 20 minutes is enough. It has also happened to me that I already calmed down when I put on my running shoes. So far, I have tested myself in a marathon on 10km and 21km. Now that I am in the process of rehabilitation and I am more disciplined, I also have a new goal – I want to run 42km.

Calm running, which we perform regularly, is an extremely important part of rehabilitation. As Sanja Rozman says in the book Hell’s Swing:

˝Running is a rhythmical movement that is man’s most natural movement pattern. When we run slowly and don’t think about accomplishments, efforts, or self-overcoming, but lightly sway into the awaking morning, self-forgetfulness occurs. In such moments, the defense mechanisms can weaken and we experience contact with our soul or direct contact with nature.”

This is the highest goal of running in the process of spiritual transformation!

During treatment, we had daily morning and evening exercise at the hospital. Always at the same time. This has a positive effect on patients for at least two reasons. The first is a discipline that all addicts lack and without which spiritual growth is impossible. The other is health promotion through aerobic exercise.

Dr. Rugelj says:

“A treated alcoholic who will exercise in the morning will not violate abstinence that day. Before he starts drinking again, doubts and a drop in motivation will show up in him by not exercising regularly. Motivation is the main indicator of successful treatment.”

I concluded that the situation with treated gamblers is the same.

Regular daily exercise helps me a lot. I have put together an exercise schedule that I regularly monitor and correct. Being able to keep track of progress is very important, at least at the beginning of abstinence. The feeling of progress is crucial in raising self-confidence.

If we consider ourselves important enough, we will work towards well-being and health. A well-kept exercise record can serve as an aid in monitoring our emotional state. The deviations we see there may indicate an impending crisis, so we can take them as a warning.

Kaj storiti v krizi? del – 9

Ne glede na to, kako dober plan abstiniranja si zastaviš, kako močno si motiviran in odločen, kriza nastopi. Mene je na začetku vedno presenetila. Počutil sem se nemočnega in brezvoljnega, vendar se nisem zavedal, da sem v krizi.

Čez čas sem se naučil opazovati in prepoznavati sebe in svoje občutke. Takrat sem ugotovil, da se znaki krize pojavljajo dalj časa. Postajam utrujen, kakor da moja energija kar izpuhti, pred tem pa sem velikokrat nemiren in razdražljiv. Vse postane težko. Čutim utrujenost, ampak je drugačna kot tista od fizičnega napora. Nekaj me razžira od znotraj navzven. Najraje bi spal, da bi se izognil tem občutkom, v želji, da bodo izginili. V takem obdobju se nagonsko izoliram. Naenkrat vidim vse črnogledo in brezizhodno.

Pomemben je načrt, ki si ga vsak zasvojenec pripravi zase. Kaj boš storil, ko nastopi kriza? Sestaviš si seznam stvari, ki jih lahko storiš, da se izogneš omamljanju. Potrebuješ nadomestne načine uravnavanja čustev, skozi katere energijo preusmeriš nekam drugam, kjer ti ne škoduje. Dobri primeri so tek, telovadba, pogovor s prijateljem, sprehod v naravo, pogovor z mentorjem ali terapevtom, pogovor v terapevtski skupini, lahko tudi pišeš dnevnik ali blog. Ker  smo si ljudje različni, mora vsak posameznik ugotoviti kaj mu ustreza.

Moj prvi ”varnostni ventil” je tek. Tečem že od nekdaj. Ko sem dobre volje, slabe volje, pa tudi med bolnišničnim zdravljenjem sem veliko tekel. Potrebe po izdatku energije so različne: včasih tečem več kot uro, včasih je dovolj že 20 minut. Zgodi pa se tudi, da se umirim že, ko obujem tekaške čevlje. Do sedaj sem se preizkusil v maratonu na 10km in 21km. Sedaj, ko sem v procesu rehabilitacije in sem bolj discipliniran pa imam tudi nov cilj – želim si preteči tudi 42km.

Umirjeni tek, ki ga redno izvajamo je izjemno pomemben del rehabilitacije. Kot pravi Sanja Rozman v knjigi Peklenska gugalnica:

˝Tek je ritmično gibanje, ki je človekov najbolj naravni gibalni vzorec. Ko tečemo počasi in ne mislimo na dosežke, napore ali samopremagovanje, ampak se lahkotno zazibljemo v prebujajoče se jutro, pride do samopozabe. V takih trenutkih lahko popustijo obrambni mehanizmi in doživimo stik s svojo dušo ali neposredni stik z naravo. To pa je najvišji cilj teka v procesu duhovne preobrazbe!˝

Tekom zdravljenja smo v bolnišnici imeli vsakodnevno jutranjo in večerno vadbo. Vedno ob istem času. To pozitivno vpliva na zdravljence iz najmanj dveh razlogov. Prvi je disciplina, ki je primanjkuje vsem odvisnikom in brez katere je duhovna rast nemogoča. Drugi pa je krepitev zdravja z aerobno vadbo.

Dr. Rugelj pravi: ˝Zdravljeni alkoholik, ki bo zjutraj telovadil, ta dan ne bo prekršil abstinence. Preden bo spet začel piti, se bodo dvomi in padec motivacije pri njem pokazali tako, da ne bo redno telovadil. Motivacija je glavni pokazatelj uspešnega zdravljenja.˝ Sklepam, da je situacija pri zdravljenih hazarderjih enaka.

Zelo mi pomaga redna dnevna telovadba. Sestavil sem urnik vadbe, ki ga redno spremljam in popravljam. To, da lahko sproti spremljaš napredek je vsaj na začetku abstinence zelo pomembno. Občutek napredovanja je namreč ključen pri dvigovanju samozavesti. Če se zdimo sami sebi dovolj pomembni, bomo delali v smeri dobrega počutja in zdravja. Vodena evidenca vadbe nam lahko služi kot pripomoček pri spremljanju našega čustvenega stanja. Odstopanja, ki jih tam opazimo, lahko nakazujejo na prihajajočo krizo, zato jih lahko vzamemo kot opozorilo.

Life begins where fear ends part – 8

As Osho, Indian guru and mystic, says, life begins where fear ends. I found his books when I was solving my mental problems. I discovered, that deep inside me I had problems with fear. I didn’t appreciate my choices and I always sought other´s opinions. To me it was always very important what other people think about me, my acts and what are they going to say about it. I grew up whit that kind of thinking. It was always important how do I look and act like on outside, and didn´t matter what I really think or how I feel. I was afraid that real me would not suit others, and because of that I tried to do everything to satisfy everyone else but me. Many times fear slowed me down, paralysed or totally stopped me. In some point of my life I stopped moving forward and I started gambling. That’s how I forgot about my problems. That was my escape from reality.

Strong impact on my treatment came from my decision that I really want to get rid of addiction and that I am willing to fight for this. I am ready for changes. With help of positive thinking and positive looking on life I started moving forward. Osho teaches us that we had to transfer our focus from our mind to our heart. Think less, feel more. We shouldn’t be afraid of new. He says:

˝Commit as many mistakes as possible, remembering only one thing: don’t commit the same mistake again. And you will be growing.˝

When I was reading his books I started to look differently on my gambling addiction. I cannot change what has already happened. But I can accept what I have done so far and learn from my mistakes. I figured out that I don’t know how to express positive anger. I suppressed that feeling in my childhood, because I was thought that being angry is accepted as bad manners. I also don’t know how to express sadness. I suppressed both feeling and moved on with my life like nothing have happened in between. Osho says that ˝Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the center of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it is. The bigger the tree, the bigger the roots. In fact, it is always in proportion, in balance.˝ At this point I accepted myself as I am. Apparently my roots were too shallow for my life goals. That means that I am in a phase of getting stronger and deeper roots. Of course it won´t happen without work. You have to put in a lot of effort and hard work.

I caught myself thinking too much about many scenarios and possible outcomes. I frequently got lost in my mind. Overthinking and complicating about things won´t get you in the right direction. I tried to do more and think less.

˝Remember, the head as a slave is a beautiful slave, very beneficial. But as a master it is a dangerous master and can poison life.˝

Gradually I got more motivated for treatment and determined that I will overcome addiction. I slowly got more courageous. I remembered thoughts from book: ˝Courage is not the absence of fear. It is, rather, the total presence of fear, with the courage to face it˝. I set new little goals daily. With every accomplished goal my confidence grew up. I broaden my horizons. I noticed more and more. I started to admire everyday little things.

˝Once you start seeing the beauty of life, ugliness starts disappearing. If you start looking at life with joy, sadness starts disappearing. You cannot have heaven and hell all together, you can only have one. It is your choice.˝

That really was very different way of thinking compared to what I was used to. Some quotes seemed too easy to me. It has to be more difficult than this. It is hard to accept all this thinking and stay calm. Day by day I stared using these approaches and responses in situations that happened to me in real life. When I accepted myself as I am, and not as I wanted to be, when I convinced myself that I am responsible only for me, everything started to feel a little bit better and easier. And what was the most important for me, I accepted my addiction.

˝The ego is a process, not a reality. The ego is the owner of desires and fears. He uses both at the same time. The ego is driven by desires, it gives it vitality, strength, energy. Without desire, the ego stops. There is no method to expose the ego. Insight is needed.˝

Življenje se začne, kjer se strah konča del – 8

Tako pravi Osho, indijski duhovni učitelj, avtor knjig na katere sem naletel med procesiranjem svojih težav. Odkril sem, da imam globoko v sebi težave s strahom. Ne cenim svoje izbire, vedno iščem drugo mnenje. Seveda se mi zdi zelo pomembno kaj drugi mislijo o meni, o mojih dejanjih in kaj bodo rekli na to. S takim načinom mišljenja sem odrastel. Pomembno je bilo kako izgledam in delujem navzven, ne glede na to, kaj zares mislim in čutim. Strah me je bilo, da pravi jaz ostalim ne bi ustrezal, zato sem vedno, če sem le zmogel, skušal vsem ustreči. Strah me je velikokrat ohromil, upočasnjeval ali celo povsem zaustavil. Tako sem preprosto obstal na določeni točki življenja in se zatekel v odvisnost. To je bil izhod iz realnosti in umik od težav.

Zelo močan vpliv na moje zdravljenje je imela odločitev, da želim ozdraviti in da sem se za to pripravljen boriti. Pripravljen sem bil na spremembe. S pomočjo pozitivnih misli in pogledov na svet, ki jih opisuje Osho, se je v meni začelo nekaj premikati. Poudarja, da naj pozornost prenesemo iz glave oz. naših misli na naše srce. Razmišljaj manj in čuti več. Naj nas ne bo strah novega. Pravi, da:

˝Tudi če vas novo zapelje v jarek, je še vedno vredno, kajti učimo se samo na napakah, rastemo pa samo, kadar imamo težave.˝

Ob takem branju sem začel na moje gemblanje gledati nekoliko drugače. Za nazaj ne morem spremeniti ničesar. Lahko pa sprejmem to, kar sem storil in se učim iz napak.

Ugotovil sem, da se ne znam zdravo jeziti. To čustvo sem potlačil, ker sem že v otroštvu sprejel, da se jeziti ne spodobi. Tudi žalosti se nisem naučil izražati. Vse to sem samo potlačil in živel naprej, kakor da se vmes ni nič zgodilo. Osho pravi, da žalost daje globino, veselje pa višino. Žalost nam krepi korenine, veselje pa krošnjo. Sreča je kot drevo, ki raste proti nebu. Žalost pa kot korenine, ki segajo globoko v zemljo. Oboje je potrebno, višje kot je drevo, globje so korenine. Vedno je v ravnovesju. Na tej točki sem sprejel sebe, takega kot sem. Očitno sem imel preplitve korenine za svoje cilje. Torej sem v fazi razraščanja korenin, kar pa se seveda ne zgodi samo od sebe. Potrebno je vložiti veliko truda.

Zalotil sem se, da pogosto predelujem številne možne scenarije in dogodke ter se v mislih kar izgubim. Prekomerno kompliciranje in razmišljanje brez ukrepanj ne vodi v pravo smer. Poizkušal sem več delati in manj misliti.

˝Glava kot sužnja je čudovita sužnja, izjemno koristna. V vlogi gospodarja pa je nevarna in zastrupi vso življenje.˝

Postopoma sem postajal bolj motiviran za zdravljenje in odločen, da premagam odvisnost. Razvijal sem pogum. Zapomnil sem si misli iz knjige: ˝Pogum ni odsotnost strahu, temveč popolna navzočnost strahu ob tem pa ima človek pogum, da se spopade z njim˝. Vsakodnevno sem si zadajal majhne nove cilje. Z vsakim uspešno opravljenim ciljem sem si krepil samozavest. Začel sem gledati širše in opazil vedno več podrobnosti na drugih in na sebi. Občudovati sem začel vsakodnevne stvari.

˝Ko enkrat opaziš lepoto življenja, se prične grdo razblinjati. Če pričneš gledati na življenje z radostjo, se začne žalost razblinjati. Ne moreš imeti raja in pekla istočasno. Le eno lahko imaš. Izbira je tvoja.˝

To je popolnoma drugačen način razmišljanja, kot sem ga bil vajen. Nekatere izjave so se mi zdele preveč preproste. Tako lahko pa vseeno ni. Težko je vse sprejeti in ostati miren. Tako da sem postopno razvijal takšen pristop in odzive na situacije, ki sem jih doživljal. Ko sebe preprosto sprejmeš takšnega kot si in ne takšnega kot želiš biti ter si dopoveš, da si odgovoren samo za sebe, stvari postanejo nekoliko lažje. In kar je bilo za mene najpomembnejše, lahko sem sprejel svojo odvisnost.

˝Ego je proces, ne realnost. Ego je lastnik želja in strahov. Oboje uporablja hkrati.
Ego poganjajo želje, to mu daje vitalnost, moč, energijo. Brez želja se ego ustavi.
Za razkrinkanje ega ni nobene metode. Potreben je uvid.˝

My inspiration and motivation part-7

During the treatment, one special method of therapy, was my favorite. Reciter club where we read poems from many different authors. Mostly Slovenian but also some foreign. In this fast world we are living, we forget the things that we actually like. Here in Slovenia we have a saying ˝Far from the eyes, far from the heart˝. And it is true. I didn’t take time to read poems although I loved it during my schooldays. In few months of treatment, I read a lot of poems and enjoyed every minute of doing that. Part of healing program is also that patients once a week read poems in front of whole hospital staff and other patients. When it was my turn for the first time I approached differently. Although we had many books of poetry, I chose a song of my favorite Slovenian rock group Mi2.

For many years my most loved song is Brez obžalovanj (No regrets). Through the treatment this song came on my mind for many times and I was thinking about lyrics a lot. That is why I chose it for my first performance. Lyrics can be interpreted in ˝gambling˝ way.

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bkk32U_0x8

Group: Mi2

Author of lyrics: Tone Kregar

No regrets

When it was the last time you went wrong

Believing, you were right?

When did you with the best intensions

Blinded, lied and cheat?

Repay all debt and interest

For every taken step.

No regrets.

At the crossroads of dreams,

No lamentations,

At the crossroads of dreams.

When was the last time you gritted your teeth,

Instead of screaming?

When you raised your hands too quickly

And surrendered in advance?

Spit on the devils, extinguish the bush,

Get off the ground.

No regrets.

At the crossroads of dreams,

No lamentations,

At the crossroads of dreams.

But sometimes, you can admit,

You pull yourself inward,

You let the moss outgrow your eyes,

And for a moment you just die.

When you don’t know what to do next,

And you don’t believe in new times,

Hold on and take care of yourself…

No regrets.

At the crossroads of dreams,

No lamentations,

At the crossroads of dreams.

Magnificent, magnificent and once more, magnificent. I am internally grateful for this song. It saved my life.

Moja inspiracija in motivacija del – 7

Med zdravljenjem sem se zbližal s prav posebno obliko terapije. Recitacijski krožek, kjer smo prebirali pesmi številnih avtorjev. V glavnem slovenskih, nekaj pa tudi tujih. Ob hitrem tempu življenja kot ga imamo, velikokrat pozabimo na stvari, ki jih imamo radi. Znan je rek, daleč od oči, daleč od srca. In res je. Sam si nikoli nisem vzel časa, da bi prebiral poezijo, čeprav sem tekom šolanja v njej vedno užival. Med večmesečnim zdravljenjem sem tako prebral ogromno pesmi in ob tem občutil neizmerno zadovoljstvo. Del terapije na našem oddelku za zdravljenje bolezni odvisnosti je naravnan tako, da vsak teden eden od zdravljencev pred celotnim osebjem in pacienti na prireditvi recitira izbrano pesem. Ko sem bil prvič na vrsti jaz, sem kljub pestri izbiri knjig na oddelku izbral malo drugačen pristop. Izbral sem pesem meni najljubše slovenske rock skupine, Mi2.

Že kar nekaj let mi je najbolj pri srcu pesem z naslovom Brez obžalovanj. Tekom zdravljenja se mi je kar naprej pojavljala v mislih, zato sem jo izbral za svoj prvi nastop. Besedilo si je mogoče razložiti na povsem ˝gemblerski˝ način.

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bkk32U_0x8

Skupina: Mi2

Avtor besedila: Tone Kregar

Brez obžalovanj

Kdaj si zadnjič šel narobe

V prepričanju, da stopaš prav?

Kdaj z najboljšimi nameni

Slepil, lagal in goljufal?

Vrni ves dolg in plačaj obresti,

Na vsak prehojen korak.

Brez obžalovanj,

Na križišču sanj,

Brez objokovanj,

Na križišču sanj.

Kdaj si nazadnje stisnil zobe,

Namesto da bi zakričal?

Kdaj prehitro dvignil roke

In se že vnaprej predal?

Pljuni na vraže, pogasi grmado,

Odženi se s tal.

Brez obžalovanj,

Na križišču sanj,

Brez objokovanj,

Na križišču sanj.

Včasih pa, lahko priznaš,

Se potegneš čisto vase,

Pustiš, da mah oči prerase,

In za trenutek kar umreš.

Takrat, ko naprej ne znaš

In ne verjameš v nove čase,

Drži se in pazi nase…

Brez obžalovanj,

Na križišču sanj,

Brez objokovanj,

Na križišču sanj. Izjemna, izjemna in še enkrat, izjemna. Večno bom hvaležen skupini Mi2 za tale njihov komad. Obdržal me je pri življenju.

Osnovna težava del – 6

Po nekaj tednih zdravljenja sem dobil osnovni uvid v moje težave. Sprijaznil sem se z dejstvom, da je odvisnost usmerjala moje življenje. V času odvisnosti sem sprejel mnogo kompromisov, ki so bili neizbežni zaradi skrivanja resnice, bežanja od čustev in ustvarjanja lažnega ega. Nikakor se nisem znal in želel soočiti z resnico ampak sem jiContinue reading “Osnovna težava del – 6”