Gambling darkness

Gamblers Anonymous part -14

I first heard about the anonymous gambler community ten years ago. I knew there were groups for Alcoholics Anonymous, but nothing more. As my gambling became unmanageable, I sought for help for the first time in my life. This was towards the end of my University time in Ljubljana. I found the contact number, meeting location and appointment all online. I remember very well how I struggled to force myself to make a call. It took me a few days to gather my courage. And even then, I was scared and slightly in doubt if I should do it at all. But I promised my parents I would change something, so I had to take that step. Since the gentleman on the other end of the line was very kind and simple, I was convinced.

I had an appointment in the evening on a rainy Friday. Autumn was coming to an end and it was getting cold. This further undermined my will and desire for change. In such an atmosphere, I found the idea of talking to complete strangers about my big problems unattractive. To sit there in a room amongst adults who have worse problems than me felt repealing. Me, person over twenty, physically already an adult, but mentally more in hibernation. What should I tell them anyway? How should I talk to them? I felt like no one will understand me anyway.

Luckily, I was desperate enough to take the risk. I decided that I’ll go, and it will be as it will be. I thought to myself that I hadn’t had anything to lose.

I admit it, I wasn’t sorry that I went. Not then, not today at all. I was very well accepted. No one pressured me, I said what I wanted and as much as I wanted. They were all once in my skin and they knew how to fight. I actually listened more than I spoke. The more I heard, the more I couldn’t believe it. In each story, I found a part of myself. How is this possible?

Like personal recovery, this too demands honesty, open-mindedness and, above all, vigilance. In the words of Benjamin Franklin, ‘We must hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.’ So, there can be no sacrifice too great if it will strengthen our essential unity. In maintaining unity, we have begun to traditionally practice the following principles:

Our common welfare should come first, personal recovery depends upon G.A. unity.
Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern.
The only requirements for G.A. membership is a desire to stop gambling.
Each group shall be self-governing except in matters affecting other groups or G.A. as a whole.
G.A. has but one primary purpose – to carry the message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers.
G.A. should never endorse, finance or lend the G.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
Every G.A. group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
G.A. should remain forever non-professional, but our service centres may employ special workers.
G.A. as such ought never to be organised, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
G.A. has no opinion on outside issues, hence the G.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion, we must always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films and television.
Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of the G.A. programme, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

It is also a very important fact that the only condition for membership in Anonymous Gamblers is the desire to stop gambling.

Are you living with a compulsive gambler?

Do you find yourself constantly bothered by debt collectors?
Is the person in question often away from home for long unexplained periods of time?
Do they ever lose time from work due to gambling?
Do you feel that they cannot be trusted with money?
Do they promise faithfully that they will stop gambling, beg and plead for another chance, yet gamble again and again?
Do they ever gamble longer than they intended to, until their last pound is gone?
Do they immediately return to gambling to try to recover losses or to win more?
Do they ever gamble to get money to solve financial difficulties, or have unrealistic expectations that gambling will bring the family material comfort and wealth?
Do they borrow money to gamble with or to pay gambling debts?
Has their reputation ever suffered due to gambling, sometimes even to the extent of committing illegal acts to finance gambling?
Have you come to the point of hiding money needed for living expenses, fearing that you and the rest of the family may go without food and clothing if you do not?
Do you search their clothing, go through their wallet/purse when the opportunity presents itself, or otherwise check on his or her activities?
Do you hide their money?
Have you noticed a personality change in them as their gambling progresses?
Do they consistently lie to cover up or deny their gambling activities?
Do they use guilt induction as a method of shifting responsibilities for their gambling onto you?
Do you attempt to anticipate their moods or try to control their life?
Do they ever suffer remorse or depression due to gambling, sometimes to the point of self-destruction?
Has the gambling ever brought you to the point of threatening to break up the family unit?
Do you feel that life together is a nightmare?

If you answer YES to at least six of these questions you may well be living with a Compulsive Gambler.

Anonimni hazarderji del-14

Za skupnost anonimnih hazarderjev sem prvič slišal pred desetimi leti. Znano mi je bilo, da obstajajo skupine za anonimne alkoholike, kaj več pa ne. Ker je moje gemblanje postalo neobvladljivo, sem si proti koncu študija v Ljubljani prvič poiskal pomoč. Na spletu sem našel kontaktno številko, lokacijo sestanka in termin. Zelo dobro se spominjam, kakšne notranje boje sem bil, preden sem si upal poklicati. Trajalo je kar nekaj dni, da sem zbral pogum. In še takrat sem klical precej prestrašen in rahlo v dvomih, ali sploh naj grem. Staršem sem obljubil, da bom nekaj spremenil, zato sem se moral odločiti za ta korak. Ker je bil gospod na drugi strani linije zelo prijazen in preprost, me je prepričal.

Bil je deževen petek, večerni termin. Jesen se je bližala h koncu, postajalo je mrzlo. To je še dodatno načenjalo mojo voljo in željo po spremembah. V takem vzdušju, se mi je zdela ideja o pogovoru s popolnimi neznanci o mojih velikih težavah neprivlačna. Da bom tam sedel v neki sobici med samimi odraslimi ljudmi, ki imajo še hujše težave kot jaz. Star malo čez dvajset, fizično dokaj odrasel, psihično pa bolj v hibernaciji. Kaj naj jim sploh povem? Kako se naj pogovarjam z odraslimi? Itak me nihče ne bo razumel.

Na srečo sem bilj dovolj obupan, da sem tvegal. Grem, pa bo kar bo. Kaj točno pa lahko izgubim, sem se spraševal?

Priznam, ni mi bilo žal. Niti takrat, sploh pa ne danes. Bil sem zelo lepo sprejet. Nihče ni pritiskal name, povedal sem kar sem želel in kolikor sem želel. Vsi so bili nekoč v moji koži in vedeli so, kako se borim. V glavnem sem bolj poslušal kot govoril. Več kot sem slišal, bolj sem se čudil. V vsaki zgodbi, sem našel del sebe. Kako je to mogoče?

Skupina dela po načelu dvanajstih korakov okrevanja.

Priznali smo, da smo pred kockanjem nemočni in da so naša življenja postala neobvladljiva.
Pričeli smo verjeti, da nas sila, ki je večja od nas, lahko povrne v običajno življenje in razmišljanje.
Sklenili smo, da prepustimo našo voljo in naša življenja v skrb tej sili, kakor jo pač vsakdo razume.
Naredili smo temeljito in neustrašno moralno in denarno inventuro nas samih.
Sebi in drugim ljudem smo priznali natančno naravo naših zablod.
Popolnoma smo pripravljeni na odstranitev vseh naših značajskih hib.
Ponižno bomo prosili Višjo silo (oziroma Boga kakor ga kdo razume), da odstrani naše značajske hibe.
Naredili smo seznam vseh tistih, ki smo jih oškodovali in postali smo pripravljeni popraviti, kar smo jim prizadejali.
Takoj ko je bilo to mogoče, smo se neposredno opravičili vsem tistim, ki smo jih prizadeli. Razen v primerih, če bi s takim ravnanjem prizadeli tretjo osebo ali če bi s priznanjem povzročili še večjo škodo.
Nadaljevali smo z osebno inventuro in kadar nismo imeli prav, smo to nemudoma priznali.
Z molitvijo in meditacijo smo se prizadevali izboljšati naš zavestni stik z Bogom, kakor ga razumemo, molili pa zgolj za spoznanje njegove volje glede nas in za moč, da jo izvršujemo.
Potem, ko smo se trudili, da bi ta načela udejanjali v vsem svojem početju, smo skušali to sporočilo prenesti drugim neobvladljivim hazarderjem.

Zelo pomemben podatek je tudi, da je edini pogoj za članstvo v Anonimnih hazarderjih želja, da bi prenehali hazardirati.

Prilagam še 20 vprašanj, na katera lahko odgovorite.

Ali si že kdaj namesto v šolo ali v službo odšel na kraj, kjer si igral na srečo?
Ali je igranje na srečo kdaj povzročilo v tvojemu domu prepire in nesrečo?
Ali igranje na srečo slabo vpliva na tvoj ugled?
Ali si imel kdaj po igranju na srečo slabo vest?
Ali si kdaj igral, da bi z dobljenim denarjem plačal dolgove ali pa rešil kakšne druge težave, povezane z denarjem?
Ali je igranje na srečo kdaj povzročilo zmanjšanje tvojih življenjskih ciljev?
Ali si čutil, potem ko si izgubil, da se moraš čim prej vrniti in priigrati izgubljeno nazaj?
Ali si, ko si zadel velik dobitek, čutil močno potrebo, da se čim prej vrneš in priigraš še več?
Ali si pogosto igral do zadnjega novčiča?
Ali si si kdaj sposodil denar za stave pri igrah na srečo?
Ali si kdaj kaj prodal, da bi z denarjem lahko igral?
Ali si denar, namenjen za igranje z nejevoljo uporabil/a za druge nujne stroške?
Ali si zaradi igranja na srečo zanemaril dobrobit sebe in svoje družine?
Ali si kdaj igral dlje kot si nameraval?
Ali si kdaj igral, da bi ubežal pred skrbmi in težavami?
Ali si kdaj storil, ali pa razmišljal o tem da bi storil nezakonito dejanje, da bi si s pridobljenim denarjem lahko omogočil igranje na srečo?
Ali si imel (imaš) kdaj zaradi igranja na srečo težave s spancem?
Ali ti razočaranja, prepiri ali užaljenost vzbujajo potrebo po igranju?
Ali si kdaj imel željo proslaviti kakšen vesel dogodek z nekaj uricami igranja na srečo?
Ali si kdaj kot posledico pretiranega igranja na srečo pomislil na samomor ali kakšno drugo obliko samouničenja?

Večina neobvladljivih hazarderjev bo pritrdilno odgovorila na vsaj sedem izmed zgornjih vprašanj.

A year without gambling has passed part-13

After a long break, I have new motivation to write. It’s been over a year since the last bet. I will definitely remember 2020, because it was the first in the last eight years without gambling. The unusual and turbulent year, which was for many people one of the most difficult and unpopular in their history, was full of successes and new beginnings for me. It also brought me some difficult life and business trials and insights. It amazes me how far back those dark times seem. At the time, the situation seemed hopeless, desperate and unsolvable.

Well, it’s possible. If I succeeded, so can you. Things are changing very slowly, but they are changing. I admit, I often overtake and try to resolve situations a bit forcefully. Without quality consideration. I want to arrange everything quickly. I want to make up for the time that I have lost. But that’s unfortunately not the case. Even more, when I exaggerate and skip steps, I slip back again. I’m learning slowly. Usually solely on my own experience. That’s expensive school.

I expected to rectify the consequences of eight years of gambling in one year. Impossible. I realized that thinking like that is pure utopia. After all, financial debt is just one of the consequences of dependence and is equivalent to others. However, just accepting such thinking, I consider it a success.

On one hand youth can be a double-edged sword in the fight against addiction. It helps me a lot in many situations. I have a tremendous amount of energy, a great desire to succeed, a desire to correct the wrong decisions of the past. Physical strength is also on my side. I am willing to persist in difficult situations in order for me to succeed. But on the other, many times youth is a weak point. The desire to correct mistakes and to prove myself can drive me off track. With head through the wall.

Thus, the longer absence of writing is also the result of one of the attempts at a new career path. I thought of a side job in the afternoon. I got a great opportunity and dedicated the second half of the year to it. I put in a lot of energy, but I wasn´t feeling right. It took me quite some time to admit to myself that the job didn’t suit me. Because I didn’t want to throw away such a good opportunity to make extra money, I insisted. However, I think the final decision was the right one. Sometimes you just have to give up. I once didn’t know how to or if I could do that. During this job, I met many wonderful people and gained a lot of new experience and knowledge. I am grateful for the opportunity, which is a great starting point for the continuation of life.

Shifting energy and focus to the new work has left many consequences. My daily rhythm has changed completely. Many habits, which I acquired during and after treatment, were abandoned due to lack of time. This also reflected in my psyche. Mood swings intensified, negativity grew, and the resolution of current problems shrank. I felt old feelings of helplessness and headless attempts. Lack of self-reflection. Too few honest conversations. The key realization was that I was moving away from myself. A strong self-image and a positive state of mind need to be built and nurtured. Every little thing matters. Every thought counts.

Minilo je leto brez ˝gemblanja˝ del-13

Po daljšem premoru nova motivacija za pisanje. Minilo je že več kot leto od zadnje stave. Leto 2020 si bom prav gotovo zapomnil po tem, da je po dolgih osmih letih prvo brez ˝gemblanja˝. Nenavadno in turbulentno leto, ki je bilo za veliko ljudi eno najtežjih in nepriljubljenih v njihovi zgodovini, je bilo zame polno uspehov in novih začetkov. Prav tako mi je prineslo nekaj težkih življenjskih in poslovnih preizkušenj ter spoznanj. Prav neverjetno je kako daleč nazaj se zdijo tisti temni časi. Takrat se je situacija zdela brezizhodna, obupna in nerešljiva.

Pa je mogoče. Če je uspelo meni, lahko tudi vam. Stvari se spreminjajo zelo počasi, ampak se spreminjajo. Priznam, velikokrat prehitevam in poizkušam situacije rešiti malo na silo. Brez kakovostnega premisleka. Jaz bi vse uredil na hitro. Želim nadoknaditi izgubljeno. Ampak tako žal ne gre. Še več, kadar pretiravam in preskakujem korake, spet zdrsnem nazaj. Počasi se učim. Po navadi zgolj na lastnih izkušnjah. Draga šola.

Pričakoval sem, da bom lahko posledice osem letnega ˝gemblanja˝ popravil v enem letu. Nemogoče. Spoznal sem, da je takšno razmišljanje čista utopija. Nenazadnje je finančni dolg samo ena od posledic odvisnosti in je enakovredna ostalim. Že samo sprejetje takšnega razmišljanja, štejem kot uspeh.

Mladost je v boju z odvisnostjo lahko dvorezen meč. V številnih situacijah mi zelo pomaga. Imam ogromno energije, veliko željo po uspehu, željo po tem, da popravim zgrešene odločitve iz preteklosti. Tudi fizična moč je na moji strani. Pripravljen sem vztrajati v težkih situacijah, z namenom, da mi uspe. Velikokrat pa mladost predstavlja šibko točko. Želja po popravljanju napak in dokazovanju, me včasih zanese s poti. Z glavo skozi zid.

Tako je tudi daljša odsotnost pisanja posledica enega od poizkusov nove karierne poti. Omislil sem si dodatno službo v popoldanskem času. Dobil sem izjemno priložnost in temu posvetil drugo polovico leta. Vložil sem ogromno energije, a občutki niso bili pravi. Kar nekaj časa sem potreboval, da sem si priznal, da mi delo ne ustreza. Škoda se mi je zdelo zavreči dobro priložnost za dodaten zaslužek, zato sem vztrajal. Mislim, da je bila končna odločitev pravilna. Včasih je pač potrebno odnehati. Tega nekoč nisem znal ali zmogel. Ob tem delu sem spoznal veliko čudovitih ljudi in pridobil ogromno novih izkušenj ter znanja. Hvaležen sem za dano priložnost, ki je izjemna iztočnica za nadaljevanje življenja.

Preusmeritev energije in fokusa na novo delo je pustilo številne posledice. Dnevni ritem se mi je popolnoma spremenil. Mnoge navade, pridobljene med zdravljenjem in po njem, sem zaradi pomanjkanja časa opustil. To se je odrazilo tudi na moji psihi. Nihanja razpoloženja so se stopnjevala, negativa je naraščala in reševanje sprotnih problemov se je krčilo. Prestrašen sem začutil stare občutke, nemoč in brezglavo poizkušanje. Pomanjkanje samorefleksije. Premalo iskrenih pogovorov. Ključno spoznanje je bilo, da se oddaljujem od sebe. Močna samopodoba in pozitivno stanje duha je potrebno graditi in negovati. Vsaka malenkost je pomembna. Vsaka misel šteje.

What did I replace with my gambling? Part – 12

One of the key tasks in treatment is to discover the causes of addiction. After almost three months of treatment in the hospital, after many therapeutic talks and workshops, I presented my debate topic in front of the whole department entitled “What did I replace with my acting?”. I will share the original with you.

What did I replace with my gambling?

The more books I read, the more I debated and thought about it, the more it became clear to me that I was replacing many things.

It’s impossible to point out just one thing and I don’t even know what the main thing is. All I know is that during the treatment I discovered a lot of things about myself that I wasn’t even aware of.

I will start with the most obvious pattern that we addicts have. The father is a dull figure, and the mother is the main one who controls everything and comforts the child. Parents can very often be strict in their child’s upbringing once and very dull next time. I remember that sometimes it was not clear to me what my parents wanted from me. In general, the father was very temperamental, but when he calmed down, he took everything back. That made me very angry. But my mother was and still is more strict and the main one at the house. She took all the responsibility on herself and made decisions instead of everyone at the house, including me. The father was absent for most of the childhood, so the mother automatically took on both roles in the family. I, on the other hand, never really had a male role model.

I have always been insecure and unsure of me at key moments. I was never sure if something was good enough. A feeling of low self-esteem can arise in a child because parents demand too much. I always had to be the most diligent, to set an example for everyone. Successful everywhere, especially at school. And so I was. I always had nice manners, I was responsible for the fact that we children, who hung out, behaved well. If something went wrong, I always took responsibility because I was the oldest. I was also bothered that parents compared me with my peers and only with the best ones. Good was not acceptable, the question was always, why couldn´t you be even better? Well, I know my parents just wanted to motivate and encourage me. The problem was that I never knew how to stand up for myself. This is where my feelings of uselessness and inferiority, which I carried into adulthood, come from.

Thinking about this, reminded me of a quote that says:

“Only those who do not value themselves will allow their lives to be destroyed by addiction.”

During the treatment, I also found out that I am not able to express certain emotions. I am a man of a cheerful nature, always smiling, which is good in principle. But I don’t know how to express sadness, even less anger. I don’t know how to get angry. I don’t know how to protect myself and stay true to myself.

As a kid, I learned not to get angry, that it isn´t appropriate, because anger is destructive. I unknowingly learned to suppress anger. When I read somewhere that repressed anger can manifest as a stomach ulcer, elevated stomach acid and as gnashing of teeth, I was stunned. All of this is constantly happening to me and made me think. When this is happening, I was supposed to relive the feelings from my childhood, that my own space has been taken away and that things did not belong to me. I miss my father’s role here, which is very important as I am supposed to get a sense of security and feeling of belonging from him. He should be a place where I can go back if I experience disappointment.

Now I remember the moments when my addiction first expressed. I was a student in Ljubljana and I was repeating my first year of study. Now I know that at that time I fell into severe depression and addiction to playing sports betting. That’s when my world collapsed. I completely shut myself in and struggled with myself, with repressed sadness, anxiety, guilt and a sense of emptiness. When my family and I later debated about these times, they wondered why I didn’t share anything with them and hid everything. It seemed normal to them that I probably knew that I am always welcome at home and that there are no such problems that I could not share with them. However, this was not the case. I was extremely afraid to say anything at home and afraid to admit my problems. But I don’t know why.

At the same time, I remembered the words:

“It is easier to raise strong children, than to repair broken adults”.

I also have trouble taking responsibility. A lot of the time I do everything for others but I neglect my own needs. I don’t know how to set functional boundaries for other people. I did not learn to take responsibility for myself, for my actions, and I did not dare to finally grow up and become independent. The problem was that I didn’t somehow spontaneously learn to accept responsibility, step by step. So I still live at home with my parents. Although I know that I have greatly complicated my life with high debts, it still remains a priority to become independent as soon as possible and move to my own, and take responsibility for myself. A lot of the problems are related to the fact that I had to make a number of compromises because of the addiction. I lost personal dignity and self-respect because of fake relationships. I took on a fake ego, that wasn’t real me. I feel like this because I want to and I know I can do more. After you stop with sports betting, the resulting behavioral patterns will not change on their own. So I’m working on getting back in touch with myself. Adults solve problems, and we gamblers run away from them in a daze. It was easier for me to escape than to face the truth. So we fall into a vicious circle, the bigger the problems, the bigger the debts, the more we want to escape. In stressful situations, I withdrew and isolated myself instead of seeking emotional support from my partner or friends. I have completely failed in this area. Now I am learning anew how to talk about problems. The irony of gambling is that the more you are in debt, the greater the desire and need to play because in it you see the only possible way out of the situation. Another thing I’ve replaced with playing is emotional arousal, an excessive need for love and approval. I usually wanted to cater to everyone. In a person who surrenders to addiction, this need is over-expressed and, of course, unmet. This, too, can originate from childhood in someone who had domineering and uncompromising parents. In my case, this was my Mom. So I remained completely dependent on her, on her decisions. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t resist her. I have an eight years younger sister, who is the complete opposite of me, a real fighter for her rights. Even as a child, she knew how to stand up for herself and assert her opinion. So we all have a choice. If I kept resisting, my parents would also adjust to my demands, but they didn’t have to. I remember being told many times that it was much easier with me as a child than with my sister, I was too obedient.

I also find myself in the fact that a person who is insecure and at the same time full of hidden needs for love and affection, finds it difficult to express emotions, as he is afraid that emotions won´t meet the desired response. So as a result, I would lose that little bit of confidence. Everyone, especially an insecure person, experiences the rejection of their emotions as their own devaluation. Suppressed emotions in childhood can cause addiction in adulthood.

But I will end with the thought that most often came to me during my treatment.

“No one else can feel what we feel in ourselves, so no one else is responsible for how we feel.”

I am determined to fight, I am fighting and I will fight so that the addiction will not defeat me, but only transform me.

So I identified my causes of addiction at the time. The more time passes, the more my view of my problems changes. It’s a little bit different every time. It’s a little easier for me every time.

Kaj sem nadomeščal s svojim igranjem? Del – 12

Ena od ključnih nalog pri zdravljenju je odkrivanje vzrokov za nastanek odvisnosti. Po skoraj treh mesecih zdravljenja v bolnišnici, po prestanih številnih terapevtskih pogovorih in delavnicah sem pred celotnim oddelkom predstavil svojo debatno temo z naslovom ˝Kaj sem nadomeščal s svojim igranjem?˝. Izvirnik bom delil z vami.

Kaj sem nadomeščal s svojim igranjem?

Več knjig kot sem prebral, več kot sem debatiral in razmišljal o tem, bolj mi je bilo jasno, da sem nadomeščal marsikaj.

Nemogoče je izpostaviti samo eno stvar in sploh ne vem, kaj je tisto glavno. Vem samo, da sem tekom zdravljenja odkril veliko stvari o sebi, katerih se sploh nisem zavedal.

Bom začel kar z najbolj očitno situacijo oziroma vzorcem pri nas odvisnikih. Oče medla figura, mati pa tista glavna, ki vse nadzira in otroku daje potuho. Starši so v otrokovi vzgoji enkrat zelo strogi drugič pa zelo medli. Ob tem se velikokrat spomnim, da mi včasih prav ni bilo jasno, kaj starši želijo od mene. Sploh oče je bil zelo vzkipljiv, ko se je umiril, pa je popravljaj za nazaj. To me je zelo jezilo. Mama pa je bila in še vedno je bolj stroga in tista glavna pri hiši. Vso odgovornost je prevzemala nase in sprejemala odločitve namesto vseh pri hiši, vključno z mano. Oče je bil večino otroštva odsoten, tako da je mama avtomatsko prevzela obe vlogi v družini. Jaz pa nikoli nisem zares imel moškega vzornika.

Že od nekdaj sem bil v ključnih trenutkih negotov in nesamozavesten. Nikoli nisem bil siguren, če je nekaj dovolj dobro. Občutek premajhnega samospoštovanja lahko nastane pri otroku zaradi tega ker starši zahtevajo preveč. Jaz sem moral biti vedno najbolj priden, vsem za vzgled. Vsepovsod uspešen, sploh v šoli. In sem tudi bil. Vedno sem se vzorno obnašal, jaz sem bil odgovoren, da smo se mi otroci, ki smo se družili, lepo vedli. Če je bilo kaj narobe, sem jih vedno poslušal jaz, ker sem bil najstarejši. Motile so me tudi primerjave z vrstniki iz šole, vedno so me primerjali samo z najboljšimi. Dobro ni bilo sprejemljivo, vedno je bilo vprašanje, zakaj ne bi bil še boljši? Pa saj vem, da so me starši želeli samo motivirati in vzpodbujati. Problem je bil, ker se jaz nikoli nisem znal postaviti za sebe. Od tod izvirajo moji občutki nesposobnosti in manjvrednosti, ki sem jih prenesel v odraslo dobo.

Ob tem se mi je vtisnil v spomin en citat, ki pravi:

˝Le kdor se ne ceni, bo dovolil, da mu življenje uniči odvisnost.˝

Med zdravljenjem sem ugotovil tudi to, da ne znam izražati določenih čustev. Sem človek vesele narave, vedno nasmejan, kar je načeloma dobro. Ne znam pa dobro izražati žalosti, še manj pa jeze. Sploh se ne znam zdravo jeziti. Ne znam se zaščititi in ostati zvest sebi.

Kot otrok sem se naučil, da se ne smem jeziti, da se to ne spodobi, ker je jeza destruktivna. Naučil sem se potlačiti jezo, nevede. Ko sem nekje prebral, da se potlačena jeza lahko kaže kot čir na želodcu, kot povišana želodčna kislina in kot škrtanje z zobmi, sem bil osupel. Vse to se mi neprestano dogaja in mi je dalo misliti. Ob tem bi naj podoživljal občutke iz otroštva, da mi je bil odvzet lasten prostor in da mi stvari ne pripadajo. Tukaj mi manjka očetova vloga, ki je zelo pomembna, saj naj bi preko njega dobil občutek varnosti in da bi vedel, kam pripadam in kam se lahko vračam, če doživim razočaranje.

Zdaj se spomnim trenutkov, ko se je moja odvisnost prvič izrazila. Takrat sem kot študent v Ljubljani ponavljal prvi letnik študija in zdaj vem, da sem takrat padel v hudo depresijo in odvisnost od igranja športnih stav. Takrat se mi je podrl svet. Popolnoma sem se zaprl vase in se boril sam s seboj, s potlačeno žalostjo, tesnobo, krivdo in občutkom praznine. Ko smo kasneje z družino debatirali o teh časih, so se čudili, zakaj nisem ničesar delil z njimi in sem vse skrival. Normalno se jim je zdelo, da najbrž vem, da sem doma vedno dobrodošel in da ni takih problemov, ki jih doma ne bi mogel s kom deliti. Vendar ni bilo tako. Mene je bilo izjemno strah karkoli povedati doma in priznati moje težave. Vendar ne vem zakaj.

Ob tem sem si zapomnil besede:

˝Lažje je vzgojiti močne otroke, kot popraviti zlomljene odrasle˝.

Težave imam tudi s prevzemanjem odgovornosti. Velikokrat imam težave z izpolnjevanjem potreb drugih ljudi na račun zanemarjanja lastnih potreb. Ne znam postavljati funkcionalnih meja drugim ljudem. Nisem se naučil prevzemanja odgovornosti zase, za svoja dejanja in nisem si upal dokončno odrasti in se osamosvojiti. Težava je bila, da se nisem nekako spontano naučil sprejemanja odgovornosti, korak po korak. Tako še zmeraj živim doma pri starših. Čeprav vem, da sem zelo zakompliciral svoje življenje z visokimi dolgovi, pa vseeno ostaja prioriteta, da se čimprej osamosvojim in se preselim na svoje, ter prevzamem odgovornost zase.

Veliko težav je povezanih z dejstvom, da sem zaradi odvisnosti moral sprejeti številne kompromise. Zaradi zlaganih odnosov sem izgubljal osebno dostojanstvo in samo spoštovanje. Prevzel sem ponarejen ego, to nisem bil pravi jaz. To čutim, ker želim in vem, da zmorem več. Po prenehanju z igranjem športnih stav, se nastali vedenjski vzorci ne bodo spremenili kar sami od sebe. Zato delam na tem, da vzpostavim nazaj stik s samim sabo.

Odrasli ljudje težave rešujejo, mi hazarderji pa bežimo pred njimi v omamo. Lažje mi je bilo pobegniti kot, se soočiti z resnico. Tako pademo v začaran krog, večje kot so težave, večji kot so dolgovi, bolj te vleče, da pobegneš.

V stresnih situacijah sem se umaknil in izoliral, namesto, da bi poiskal čustveno oporo pri partnerki ali prijateljih. Na tem področju sem popolnoma zatajil. Sedaj se na novo učim, kako se pogovarjati o problemih.

Ironija hazardiranja je, da bolj kot si v dolgovih, večjo željo in potrebo po igranju čutiš, ker v tem vidiš edini možni izhod iz situacije.

Še ena stvar, ki sem jo nadomeščal z igranjem, je čustveno vzburjenje, pretirana potreba po ljubezni in odobravanju. Jaz sem po navadi želel vsem ustreči. Pri človeku, ki se predaja odvisnosti, je ta potreba pretirano izražena in seveda nezadovoljena. Tudi to lahko izvira že iz otroštva pri nekom, ki je imel nekdo gospodovalne in nepopustljive starše. V mojem primeru je to mama. Zato sem ostal popolnoma odvisen od nje, od njenih odločitev. Ne vem zakaj, ampak nisem se znal upreti. Imam osem let mlajšo sestro, ki pa je popolno nasprotje mene, prava borka za svoje pravice. Že kot otrok se je znala postaviti za sebe in uveljaviti svojo mnenje. Tako, da vsi imamo izbiro. Če bi se jaz sproti upiral, bi se tudi starši prilagodili na moje zahteve, ampak se jim ni bilo treba. Spominjam se, da so mi večkrat povedali, da je bilo v otroštvu z menoj precej lažje kot s sestro, jaz sem bil preveč ubogljiv.

Najdem se tudi v tem, da človek, ki je nesamozavesten in hkrati poln prikritih potreb po ljubezni in naklonjenosti, le s težavo izraža čustva, saj se boji, da ta ne bodo naletela na željen odziv. Tako bi posledično izgubil še tisto malo samozavesti. Vsakdo, posebej pa še nesamozavesten človek, doživi odklanjanje svojih čustev kot lastno razvrednotenje. Zatrta čustva v otroštvu pogojujejo nastanek odvisnosti v odrasli dobi.

Končal pa bom z mislijo, ki mi je tekom zdravljenja največkrat priplavala na površje.

˝Nihče drug ne more čutiti, kar mi čutimo v sebi, zato tudi nihče drug ni odgovoren za to, kako se mi počutimo˝.

Trdno sem se odločil boriti, se borim in se bom boril, da me odvisnost ne bo porazila, ampak samo preobrazila.

Tako sem svoje vzroke odvisnosti opredelil takrat. Več časa kot preteče, bolj se spreminja moj pogled na moje težave. Vsakokrat je malenkost drugače. Vsakokrat mi je malenkost lažje.

Why don’t we talk about problems? Part – 11

During treatment, I found that men find it really difficult to express their emotions. It is hard for them to talk openly about anything. There is no need, because they are fine anyway. It could be worse. There are problems but we will get through somehow. Why would one spent time with friends for talking about pointless problems. Who even wants to talk about them. That was usually my opinion. It’s not that important, I’ll take care of it myself. I will fix everything, just so that luck turns around and I earn enough with the bets. The rest will be solved somehow.

There were mostly men in the treatment. One more incapable of talking about his emotions than the other. All addicted but without real problems. We didn’t even know why exactly were we there. In our free time, during lectures and lessons, we had a lot of fun. You could learn most of the truth through humor. In jokes, anything is allowed. Through humorous stories, I discovered the depth of the problems and unimaginable horrors from the youth of many patients. I have also found that many have already given up and the likelihood of their bright future is small.

Men are still brought up in a sense that emotions are reserved for women. We are taught that men must always be strong and that men endure pain instead of crying by clenching our teeth and fists. The result, however, is that we do not solve all our small and big problems but suppress them. We often show our distress indirectly through the abuse of gambling, alcohol and illegal drugs, or through overwork. Thus, even the smallest everyday problems can guide our lives, but we are not even aware of it.

I began to realize that everyone has their own life story. Each is unique and many have walked the hellish path. It is difficult to come to terms to with the uneven distribution of life’s trials. Why do the lives of some involve so much trouble and pain while others live almost like in a fairytale. At least a shallow perception of reality gives such a feeling. Obviously, everyone needs to learn different lessons and experience the moments that are meant for them. It is pointless to compare yourself to others because your path is only yours and is unique.

The hardest part in the process of my addiction was recognition. First to myself and of course to everyone around me. What will others say? It will be a disgrace and a humiliation to my ego. This will spoil the opinions of others about me. I was immensely afraid and ashamed of this. How could I get so deep into trouble? What kind of a man am I? Of course, I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I tried to hide everything from others. I didn’t dare, I didn’t know, and I wasn’t able to take a realistic look at the problems.

Instead of worrying about what’s going on with me, why is it happening to me and where is it leading, why don’t I talk to anyone about this, why am I scared to death of my life, I was concerned about the opinions of others if they found out about my secret.

Already in one of the previous records I mentioned that reading and reciting poems became popular activities during my treatment. In the next poem, which is the work of Andrej Rozman Roza, there are many answers to the questions I asked myself. It stuck in my heart.

I have to tell you something

There must be someone for everyone,
whom he trusts so much,
that he can be trusted,
when it is difficult for him.
 
There must be someone for everyone,
who understands and listens to him,
when his soul is frozen
and his heart is sick.
 
Someone you can trust even with those problems
which I would like to erase from my head,
and she can also tell him that
which is not easy to say.
 
But talking is for a man
even more important than the dress
and at the same time a rare thing today
for which no money is required.

Talking is not just for fun,
it is also healing when we have a problem
and we suffocate in our own minds,
until we share them with someone else.
 
Conversation is closeness and warmth,
by talking we are family and group.
By talking, man intertwines with man,
by talking we are a network even outside the internet.

Zakaj se ne pogovarjamo o težavah? del – 11

Strast je most, ki te lahko popelje od bolečine do spremembe.(Frida Kahlo)

Tekom zdravljenja sem ugotavljal, da imamo moški res hude težave z izražanjem svojih čustev. Težko se zgodi, da se o tem odkrito pogovarjamo. Saj ni potrebe, ker smo tako ali tako v redu. Lahko bi bilo huje. Problemi so ampak bom že nekako. Zakaj bi čas, ko sem s prijatelji zapravljal za brezvezne težave in pogovore o njih. Kdo si sploh želi pogovora o tem. To je bilo moje običajno mišljenje. Saj ni tako pomembno, bom že sam uredil. Vse bom popravil, samo, da se sreča obrne in s stavami dovolj zaslužim. Ostalo se bo že nekako rešilo.

Na zdravljenju smo bili večinoma moški. Eden bolj nezmožen govoriti o svojih čustvih kot drugi. Vsi hudo odvisni ampak brez težav. Sploh nismo vedeli, zakaj točno smo tam. V prostem času, med predavanji in učnimi urami, smo se kar zabavali. Največ resnice si lahko izvedel skozi humor. V šalah je vse dovoljeno. Skozi šaljive zgodbe sem odkrival globino težav in nepredstavljive grozote iz mladosti mnogih zdravljencev. Ugotovil sem tudi, da so se mnogi že vdali in je verjetnost za njihovo svetlo prihodnost majhna.

Moški smo še vedno deležni vzgoje, v kateri je predajanje čustvom rezervirano za ženske. Učijo nas, da moramo biti moški vedno močni in da bolečino namesto z jokom prenašamo s stiskanjem zob in pesti. Rezultat tega pa je, da vseh svojih majhnih in velikih problemov ne razrešimo ampak potlačimo. Svoje stiske pogosto kažemo posredno z zlorabo iger na srečo, alkohola in prepovedanih drog ali pa s prekomernim delom. Tako lahko tudi najmanjši vsakodnevni problemi usmerjajo naša življenja pa se tega sploh ne zavedamo.

Zavedati sem se začel, da ima vsak svojo življenjsko zgodbo. Vsaka je edinstvena in marsikdo je prehodil prav peklensko pot. Težko se je sprijazniti z neenakomerno porazdelitvijo življenjskih preizkušenj. Zakaj življenja enih vključujejo toliko težav in bolečine, medtem ko drugi živijo skoraj kot v pravljici. Vsaj plitvo dojemanje realnosti daje takšen občutek. Očitno se mora vsak naučiti drugačnih lekcij in doživeti trenutke, ki so mu namenjeni. Nesmiselno se je primerjati z drugimi kajti tvoja pot je samo tvoja in je edinstvena.

Najtežji del v procesu moje odvisnosti je bil priznanje. Najprej sebi in seveda tudi vsem okrog mene. Kaj bodo rekli drugi? To bo sramota in ponižanje za moj ego. To bo pokvarilo mnenja drugih o meni. Tega me je bilo neizmerno strah in sram. Kako sem mogel tako globoko zabresti v težave? Kakšen moški pa sem? Seveda se nisem o tem z nikomer pogovarjal. Vse sem skušal skriti pred drugimi. Nisem si upal, nisem znal in nisem bil zmožen realnega pogleda na probleme.

Namesto, da bi me skrbelo kaj se dogaja z mano, zakaj se mi to dogaja in kam to vodi? Zakaj se s kom ne pogovorim okrog tega? Zakaj me je na smrt strah svojega življenja? Namesto tega so me skrbela mnenja drugih, če bi izvedeli za mojo skrivnost.

Že v enem od prejšnjih zapisov sem omenil, da sta branje in recitiranje pesmi postali priljubljeni dejavnosti tekom mojega zdravljenja. V naslednji pesmi, ki je delo Andreja Rozmana Roze se skriva veliko odgovorov na vprašanja, ki sem si jih zastavljal. Meni se je vtisnila v srce.

Nekaj ti moram povedati

Za vsakogar mora obstajati nekdo, 
kateremu tako zaupa,
da se mu lahko zaupa,
ko mu je težko.

Za vsakogar mora obstajati nekdo,
ki ga razume in posluša,
ko mu je zmrznjena duša
in mu je v srcu slabo.

Nekdo, kateremu lahko zaupa tudi tiste težave,
ki bi jih najrajši izbrisal iz glave,
in mu lahko pove tudi to,
kar ni povedati lahko.

A pogovarjanje je za človeka
še bolj pomembno kot obleka
in hkrati danes redka stvar
za katero ni potreben denar.

Pogovarjanje ni le za zabavo,
zdravilno je tudi, ko imamo težavo
in se v lastnih mislih dušimo,
dokler jih še z nekom ne delimo.

Pogovarjanje je bližina in toplina,
s pogovarjanjem smo družina in skupina.
S pogovarjanjem se človek s človekom prepleta,
s pogovarjanjem smo mreža tudi zunaj interneta.

Do you believe in destiny? Part – 10

I have heard many times that our lives unfold as we are destined. That we are born with purpose and reason and that things happen as written in the stars. Things and events are predetermined. Is that really so? An old proverb says: “man is turning and life turns”. What about our free will? Don’t we influence the development of life ourselves with our decisions, choices and beliefs?

I also thought a lot about this topic during the treatment. If destiny exists, why did I land here in the hospital? What is the purpose of my life? Did I have to overcome my addiction to be able to build new and better foundations for the future? Or maybe I just didn’t know how to listen and I was acting against myself all the time. Addiction could be the result of lifestyle and running away from responsibility and growing up.

But destiny can also be an excuse for everything that happens to us. An excuse for all the problems we don’t know how or can’t solve. As well as for situations in which we find ourselves and find no real reason for them. The belief I have formed about the meaning of destiny is that I believe in destiny, but not in its complete determination. I think it is determined (or we have chosen so) what we would like to learn and what we want to test ourselves in this life. But still, we have free will and power to change things.

I know that belief in destiny can be a kind of defense mechanism that is triggered when dealing with failure. When a man tries to success, he fails. He tries several times, but fails. Failure is hard to come to terms with and many give in to fate. They take solace in the phrase “it was not meant for me.” With each retry, there is less hope and weaker self-confidence, and the chances of failure increase. Guilt is easiest to attribute to “higher” force or fate.

The psychotherapist I visited says it doesn’t matter if we believe in fate or not.

˝If you believe in destiny and it helps you, continue to believe in it. If you think that destiny does not exist and that works better for you, also continue˝.

Belief in destiny has as much power as we allow it ourselves. It can have tremendous power. It can affect us positively or negatively, but only if we truly believe. Positive thoughts are extremely important in our lives because they affect our unconscious. If we believe that our destiny will be beautiful, positive and worth the effort, there is a very high probability that it will truly be so.

Ever since I accepted addiction as a part of myself and the path of overcoming addiction as my destiny, positive and amazing things have been happening more often.

The last such experience was unexpected and very special. A business routine meeting, which is expected to last 10 to 15 minutes, proved to be a two-hour therapy. The conversation “forced” me to admit my problems about addiction from the very beginning. I also told that I had undergone hospital treatment for addiction and that it was one of the best decisions in my life. Then things turned around. I noticed that the person sitting opposite me was touched by my words. He gave me a deep look that spoke more than a thousand words. Is this possible? The next two hours were amazing. Two complete strangers exchanged life stories with all the darkest details and unpleasant truths. I came across a “gambler” soul, felt it, and trusted it in an instant. We did not have to explain the behaviors, events, feelings, and doubts we experienced. Everything matched. I wondered if this was fate? Were we meant to meet? I met a wonderful person who has been struggling with addiction for half of his life. I felt a great desire of my interlocutor for a transformation. He is directing his energy in solving his problems that arose and he would like to find peace in his soul. I completely understood him.

But something that began to develop in early childhood intensified in youth and expressed itself forcefully in the transition to adulthood. This something is the complicated mind of gamblers. So if something develops for so long, even resolving, getting to know and accepting it is not easy. Accepting and arranging something that is deeply rooted in our personality is a process that takes many years.

Ali verjameš v usodo? Del – 10

Velikokrat sem že slišal, da se naša življenja odvijajo, kot nam je usojeno. Da se rodimo z namenom in razlogom ter se stvari dogajajo kot je zapisano v zvezdah. Stvari in dogodki so v naprej določeni. Pa je to res tako? Star pregovor pravi: ˝človek obrača, življenje pa obrne˝. Kaj pa naša svobodna volja? Ali ne vplivamo na razvoj življenja sami s svojimi odločitvami, izbirami in prepričanji?

Med zdravljenjem sem tudi o tej tematiki veliko razmišljal. Če usoda obstaja, zakaj sem pristal tukaj v bolnišnici? Kakšen je torej namen mojega življenja? Sem moral premagati odvisnost, da lahko na tem gradim nove in bolj trdne temelje za prihodnost? Morda pa se preprosto nisem znal poslušati in sem ves čas deloval proti sebi. Odvisnost bi lahko bila posledica načina življenja ter bežanja pred odgovornostjo in odraščanjem.

Usoda pa je lahko tudi izgovor za vse, kar se nam dogaja. Izgovor za vse težave, ki jih ne znamo ali ne zmoremo rešiti. Pa tudi za situacije v katerih se znajdemo in zanje ne najdemo pravega razloga. Prepričanje, ki sem ga izoblikoval glede pomena usode je neka srednja pot. Verjamem v usodo, ne pa v njeno popolno določenost. Menim, da je določeno (morda smo si izbrali), česa bi se radi naučili in v čem bi se preizkusili v tem življenju. Seveda pa imamo svobodno voljo in moč, da stvari spremenimo.

Vem, da je vera v usodo lahko vrsta obrambnega mehanizma, ki se sproži ob spopadanju z neuspehom. Ko se človek trudi uspeti, pa mu spodleti. Poskuša večkrat, a mu ne uspe. Z neuspehom se je težko sprijazniti in številni se vdajo v usodo. Tolažijo se s frazo ˝ni mi bilo namenjeno˝. Z vsakim ponovnim poskusom je upanje manjše in zaupanje vase šibkejše, s tem pa se možnosti za neuspeh večajo. Krivdo je najlažje pripisati ˝višji˝ sili ali usodi.

Psihoterapevt, ki sem ga obiskoval, pravi, da je vseeno, če verjamemo v usodo ali ne.

˝Če verjamete v usodo in vam to pomaga, kar nadaljujte z verovanjem vanjo. Če mislite, da usoda ne obstaja in vam je tako bolje, prav tako nadaljujte.˝

Vera v usodo ima toliko moči, kolikor sami dopustimo. Lahko ima izjemno moč. Na nas lahko vpliva pozitivno ali negativno, vendar pod pogojem, da resnično verjamemo. Pozitivne misli so v naših življenjih izredno pomembne, ker vplivajo na naše nezavedno. Če verjamemo, da bo naša usoda lepa, pozitivna in vredna truda, je zelo velika verjetnost, da bo resnično takšna.

Odkar sem odvisnost sprejel kot del sebe in pot premagovanja odvisnosti kot svojo usodo, se pozitivne in neverjetne stvari dogajajo pogosteje.

Zadnja takšna izkušnja je bila nepričakovana in prav posebna. Poslovni sestanek, ki predvidoma traja od 10 do 15 minut, se je izkazal kot dvourna terapija. Pogovor me je že na začetku ˝prisilil˝ v priznanje mojih težav in odvisnosti. Povedal sem tudi, da sem prestal bolnišnično zdravljenje odvisnosti in da je bila to ena najboljših odločitev v mojem življenju. Nato pa so se stvari obrnile. Opazil sem, da so osebo, ki je sedela nasproti mene moje besede vznemirile. Vrnila mi je globok pogled, ki je govoril več kot tisoč besed. Ali je to mogoče? Naslednji dve uri sta bili neverjetni. Dva popolna tujca sta si izmenjala življenjski zgodbi z vsemi najtemačnejšimi podrobnostmi in neprijetnimi resnicami. Naletel sem na ˝gamblersko˝ dušo, jo začutil in ji v trenutku zaupal. Ni nama bilo treba pojasnjevati vedenja, dogodkov, občutkov in dvomov, ki sva jih doživela. Vse se je ujemalo. Spraševal sem se ali je to usoda? Nama je bilo namenjeno, da sva se srečala? Srečal sem čudovito osebo, ki se že pol svojega življenja bori z odvisnostjo. Začutil sem veliko željo mojega sogovornika po preobrazbi. Energijo usmerja v reševanje nastalih težav in rad bi našel mir v duši. Popolnoma sem ga razumel.

Ampak nekaj, kar se je pričelo razvijati že v ranem otroštvu, se je v mladosti okrepilo in se silovito izrazilo na prehodu v odraslost. Ta nekaj je zakomplicirani um hazarderjev. Če se torej nekaj razvija tako dolgo, tudi reševanje, spoznavanje in sprejemanje tega ni enostavno. Sprejemanje in urejanje nečesa,kar je globoko zakoreninjeno v naši osebnosti, je proces, ki lahko traja več let.