Ali verjameš v usodo? Del – 10

Velikokrat sem že slišal, da se naša življenja odvijajo, kot nam je usojeno. Da se rodimo z namenom in razlogom ter se stvari dogajajo kot je zapisano v zvezdah. Stvari in dogodki so v naprej določeni. Pa je to res tako? Star pregovor pravi: ˝človek obrača, življenje pa obrne˝. Kaj pa naša svobodna volja? Ali ne vplivamo na razvoj življenja sami s svojimi odločitvami, izbirami in prepričanji?

Med zdravljenjem sem tudi o tej tematiki veliko razmišljal. Če usoda obstaja, zakaj sem pristal tukaj v bolnišnici? Kakšen je torej namen mojega življenja? Sem moral premagati odvisnost, da lahko na tem gradim nove in bolj trdne temelje za prihodnost? Morda pa se preprosto nisem znal poslušati in sem ves čas deloval proti sebi. Odvisnost bi lahko bila posledica načina življenja ter bežanja pred odgovornostjo in odraščanjem.

Usoda pa je lahko tudi izgovor za vse, kar se nam dogaja. Izgovor za vse težave, ki jih ne znamo ali ne zmoremo rešiti. Pa tudi za situacije v katerih se znajdemo in zanje ne najdemo pravega razloga. Prepričanje, ki sem ga izoblikoval glede pomena usode je neka srednja pot. Verjamem v usodo, ne pa v njeno popolno določenost. Menim, da je določeno (morda smo si izbrali), česa bi se radi naučili in v čem bi se preizkusili v tem življenju. Seveda pa imamo svobodno voljo in moč, da stvari spremenimo.

Vem, da je vera v usodo lahko vrsta obrambnega mehanizma, ki se sproži ob spopadanju z neuspehom. Ko se človek trudi uspeti, pa mu spodleti. Poskuša večkrat, a mu ne uspe. Z neuspehom se je težko sprijazniti in številni se vdajo v usodo. Tolažijo se s frazo ˝ni mi bilo namenjeno˝. Z vsakim ponovnim  poskusom je upanje manjše in zaupanje vase šibkejše, s tem pa se možnosti za neuspeh večajo. Krivdo je najlažje pripisati ˝višji˝ sili ali usodi.

Psihoterapevt, ki sem ga obiskoval, pravi, da je vseeno, če verjamemo v usodo ali ne.

˝Če verjamete v usodo in vam to pomaga, kar nadaljujte z verovanjem vanjo. Če mislite, da usoda ne obstaja in vam je tako bolje, prav tako nadaljujte.˝

Vera v usodo ima toliko moči, kolikor sami dopustimo. Lahko ima izjemno moč. Na nas lahko vpliva pozitivno ali negativno, vendar pod pogojem, da resnično verjamemo. Pozitivne misli so v naših življenjih izredno pomembne, ker vplivajo na naše nezavedno. Če verjamemo, da bo naša usoda lepa, pozitivna in vredna truda, je zelo velika verjetnost, da bo resnično takšna.

Odkar sem odvisnost sprejel kot del sebe in pot premagovanja odvisnosti kot svojo usodo, se pozitivne in neverjetne stvari dogajajo pogosteje.

Zadnja takšna izkušnja je bila nepričakovana in prav posebna. Poslovni sestanek, ki predvidoma traja od 10 do 15 minut, se je izkazal kot dvourna terapija. Pogovor me je že na začetku ˝prisilil˝ v priznanje mojih težav in odvisnosti. Povedal sem tudi, da sem prestal bolnišnično zdravljenje odvisnosti in da je bila to ena najboljših odločitev v mojem življenju. Nato pa so se stvari obrnile. Opazil sem, da so osebo, ki je sedela nasproti mene moje besede vznemirile. Vrnila mi je globok pogled, ki je govoril več kot tisoč besed. Ali je to mogoče? Naslednji dve uri sta bili neverjetni. Dva popolna tujca sta si izmenjala življenjski zgodbi z vsemi najtemačnejšimi podrobnostmi in neprijetnimi resnicami. Naletel sem na ˝gamblersko˝ dušo, jo začutil in ji v trenutku zaupal. Ni nama bilo treba pojasnjevati vedenja, dogodkov, občutkov in dvomov, ki sva jih doživela. Vse se je ujemalo. Spraševal sem se ali je to usoda? Nama je bilo namenjeno, da sva se srečala? Srečal sem čudovito osebo, ki se že pol svojega življenja bori z odvisnostjo. Začutil sem veliko željo mojega sogovornika po preobrazbi. Energijo usmerja v reševanje nastalih težav in rad bi našel mir v duši. Popolnoma sem ga razumel.

Ampak nekaj, kar se je pričelo razvijati že v ranem otroštvu, se je v mladosti okrepilo in se silovito izrazilo na prehodu v odraslost. Ta nekaj je zakomplicirani um hazarderjev. Če se torej nekaj razvija tako dolgo, tudi reševanje, spoznavanje in sprejemanje tega ni enostavno. Sprejemanje in urejanje nečesa,kar je globoko zakoreninjeno v naši osebnosti, je proces, ki lahko traja več let.

What to do, when crisis strikes?part – 9

No matter how good an abstinence plan you set for yourself, no matter how strongly motivated and determined you are, a crisis occurs. It has surprised me at first. I felt helpless and listless, but I didn’t realize I was in a crisis.

Over time, I learned to observe and recognize myself and my feelings. It was then that I realized that the signs of crisis have been appearing for a long time. When they occur, it shows in different ways, for example I get tired, as if my energy is just pouring out. Before exhaustion I am often restless and irritable. Everything feels hard to do. I am tired, but not because of physical exertion. Something is consuming me from the inside out. I would rather sleep to avoid these feeling, I want it to disappear. In such period I instinctively isolate myself. Suddenly I see everything pessimistically and hopelessly.

It is important that each addict prepares a plan for himself. What will you do when a crisis strikes. You should make a list of things you can do to avoid being stunned. You need alternative ways to regulate your emotions, through which you redirect your energy somewhere else where it doesn’t hurt you. Good examples are running, exercising, talking to a friend, walking in nature, talking to a mentor or therapist, talking in a therapy group, you can also write a diary or a blog. Because everyone is different, each individual must find out what suits them.

My first “safety valve” is running. I’ve been running since ever. When I was in a good or a bad mood, even during hospital treatment I ran a lot. Energy expenditure needs are different: sometimes I run for more than an hour, other times 20 minutes is enough. It has also happened to me that I already calmed down when I put on my running shoes. So far, I have tested myself in a marathon on 10km and 21km. Now that I am in the process of rehabilitation and I am more disciplined, I also have a new goal – I want to run 42km.

Calm running, which we perform regularly, is an extremely important part of rehabilitation. As Sanja Rozman says in the book Hell’s Swing:

˝Running is a rhythmical movement that is man’s most natural movement pattern. When we run slowly and don’t think about accomplishments, efforts, or self-overcoming, but lightly sway into the awaking morning, self-forgetfulness occurs. In such moments, the defense mechanisms can weaken and we experience contact with our soul or direct contact with nature.”

This is the highest goal of running in the process of spiritual transformation!

During treatment, we had daily morning and evening exercise at the hospital. Always at the same time. This has a positive effect on patients for at least two reasons. The first is a discipline that all addicts lack and without which spiritual growth is impossible. The other is health promotion through aerobic exercise.

Dr. Rugelj says:

“A treated alcoholic who will exercise in the morning will not violate abstinence that day. Before he starts drinking again, doubts and a drop in motivation will show up in him by not exercising regularly. Motivation is the main indicator of successful treatment.”

I concluded that the situation with treated gamblers is the same.

Regular daily exercise helps me a lot. I have put together an exercise schedule that I regularly monitor and correct. Being able to keep track of progress is very important, at least at the beginning of abstinence. The feeling of progress is crucial in raising self-confidence.

If we consider ourselves important enough, we will work towards well-being and health. A well-kept exercise record can serve as an aid in monitoring our emotional state. The deviations we see there may indicate an impending crisis, so we can take them as a warning.

Kaj storiti v krizi? del – 9

Ne glede na to, kako dober plan abstiniranja si zastaviš, kako močno si motiviran in odločen, kriza nastopi. Mene je na začetku vedno presenetila. Počutil sem se nemočnega in brezvoljnega, vendar se nisem zavedal, da sem v krizi.

Čez čas sem se naučil opazovati in prepoznavati sebe in svoje občutke. Takrat sem ugotovil, da se znaki krize pojavljajo dalj časa. Postajam utrujen, kakor da moja energija kar izpuhti, pred tem pa sem velikokrat nemiren in razdražljiv. Vse postane težko. Čutim utrujenost, ampak je drugačna kot tista od fizičnega napora. Nekaj me razžira od znotraj navzven. Najraje bi spal, da bi se izognil tem občutkom, v želji, da bodo izginili. V takem obdobju se nagonsko izoliram. Naenkrat vidim vse črnogledo in brezizhodno.

Pomemben je načrt, ki si ga vsak zasvojenec pripravi zase. Kaj boš storil, ko nastopi kriza? Sestaviš si seznam stvari, ki jih lahko storiš, da se izogneš omamljanju. Potrebuješ nadomestne načine uravnavanja čustev, skozi katere energijo preusmeriš nekam drugam, kjer ti ne škoduje. Dobri primeri so tek, telovadba, pogovor s prijateljem, sprehod v naravo, pogovor z mentorjem ali terapevtom, pogovor v terapevtski skupini, lahko tudi pišeš dnevnik ali blog. Ker  smo si ljudje različni, mora vsak posameznik ugotoviti kaj mu ustreza.

Moj prvi ”varnostni ventil” je tek. Tečem že od nekdaj. Ko sem dobre volje, slabe volje, pa tudi med bolnišničnim zdravljenjem sem veliko tekel. Potrebe po izdatku energije so različne: včasih tečem več kot uro, včasih je dovolj že 20 minut. Zgodi pa se tudi, da se umirim že, ko obujem tekaške čevlje. Do sedaj sem se preizkusil v maratonu na 10km in 21km. Sedaj, ko sem v procesu rehabilitacije in sem bolj discipliniran pa imam tudi nov cilj – želim si preteči tudi 42km.

Umirjeni tek, ki ga redno izvajamo je izjemno pomemben del rehabilitacije. Kot pravi Sanja Rozman v knjigi Peklenska gugalnica:

˝Tek je ritmično gibanje, ki je človekov najbolj naravni gibalni vzorec. Ko tečemo počasi in ne mislimo na dosežke, napore ali samopremagovanje, ampak se lahkotno zazibljemo v prebujajoče se jutro, pride do samopozabe. V takih trenutkih lahko popustijo obrambni mehanizmi in doživimo stik s svojo dušo ali neposredni stik z naravo. To pa je najvišji cilj teka v procesu duhovne preobrazbe!˝

Tekom zdravljenja smo v bolnišnici imeli vsakodnevno jutranjo in večerno vadbo. Vedno ob istem času. To pozitivno vpliva na zdravljence iz najmanj dveh razlogov. Prvi je disciplina, ki je primanjkuje vsem odvisnikom in brez katere je duhovna rast nemogoča. Drugi pa je krepitev zdravja z aerobno vadbo.

Dr. Rugelj pravi: ˝Zdravljeni alkoholik, ki bo zjutraj telovadil, ta dan ne bo prekršil abstinence. Preden bo spet začel piti, se bodo dvomi in padec motivacije pri njem pokazali tako, da ne bo redno telovadil. Motivacija je glavni pokazatelj uspešnega zdravljenja.˝ Sklepam, da je situacija pri zdravljenih hazarderjih enaka.

Zelo mi pomaga redna dnevna telovadba. Sestavil sem urnik vadbe, ki ga redno spremljam in popravljam. To, da lahko sproti spremljaš napredek je vsaj na začetku abstinence zelo pomembno. Občutek napredovanja je namreč ključen pri dvigovanju samozavesti. Če se zdimo sami sebi dovolj pomembni, bomo delali v smeri dobrega počutja in zdravja. Vodena evidenca vadbe nam lahko služi kot pripomoček pri spremljanju našega čustvenega stanja. Odstopanja, ki jih tam opazimo, lahko nakazujejo na prihajajočo krizo, zato jih lahko vzamemo kot opozorilo.

Life begins where fear ends part – 8

As Osho, Indian guru and mystic, says, life begins where fear ends. I found his books when I was solving my mental problems. I discovered, that deep inside me I had problems with fear. I didn’t appreciate my choices and I always sought other´s opinions. To me it was always very important what other people think about me, my acts and what are they going to say about it. I grew up whit that kind of thinking. It was always important how do I look and act like on outside, and didn´t matter what I really think or how I feel. I was afraid that real me would not suit others, and because of that I tried to do everything to satisfy everyone else but me. Many times fear slowed me down, paralysed or totally stopped me. In some point of my life I stopped moving forward and I started gambling. That’s how I forgot about my problems. That was my escape from reality.

Strong impact on my treatment came from my decision that I really want to get rid of addiction and that I am willing to fight for this. I am ready for changes. With help of positive thinking and positive looking on life I started moving forward. Osho teaches us that we had to transfer our focus from our mind to our heart. Think less, feel more. We shouldn’t be afraid of new. He says:

˝Commit as many mistakes as possible, remembering only one thing: don’t commit the same mistake again. And you will be growing.˝

When I was reading his books I started to look differently on my gambling addiction. I cannot change what has already happened. But I can accept what I have done so far and learn from my mistakes. I figured out that I don’t know how to express positive anger. I suppressed that feeling in my childhood, because I was thought that being angry is accepted as bad manners. I also don’t know how to express sadness. I suppressed both feeling and moved on with my life like nothing have happened in between. Osho says that ˝Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the center of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it is. The bigger the tree, the bigger the roots. In fact, it is always in proportion, in balance.˝ At this point I accepted myself as I am. Apparently my roots were too shallow for my life goals. That means that I am in a phase of getting stronger and deeper roots. Of course it won´t happen without work. You have to put in a lot of effort and hard work.

I caught myself thinking too much about many scenarios and possible outcomes. I frequently got lost in my mind. Overthinking and complicating about things won´t get you in the right direction. I tried to do more and think less.

˝Remember, the head as a slave is a beautiful slave, very beneficial. But as a master it is a dangerous master and can poison life.˝

Gradually I got more motivated for treatment and determined that I will overcome addiction. I slowly got more courageous. I remembered thoughts from book: ˝Courage is not the absence of fear. It is, rather, the total presence of fear, with the courage to face it˝. I set new little goals daily. With every accomplished goal my confidence grew up. I broaden my horizons. I noticed more and more. I started to admire everyday little things.

˝Once you start seeing the beauty of life, ugliness starts disappearing. If you start looking at life with joy, sadness starts disappearing. You cannot have heaven and hell all together, you can only have one. It is your choice.˝

That really was very different way of thinking compared to what I was used to. Some quotes seemed too easy to me. It has to be more difficult than this. It is hard to accept all this thinking and stay calm. Day by day I stared using these approaches and responses in situations that happened to me in real life. When I accepted myself as I am, and not as I wanted to be, when I convinced myself that I am responsible only for me, everything started to feel a little bit better and easier. And what was the most important for me, I accepted my addiction.

˝The ego is a process, not a reality. The ego is the owner of desires and fears. He uses both at the same time. The ego is driven by desires, it gives it vitality, strength, energy. Without desire, the ego stops. There is no method to expose the ego. Insight is needed.˝

Minljivost del-15

SSKJ: minljívost -i ž (í) lastnost, značilnost minljivega: minljivost lepega minljívost -i ž dejstvo, da kaj v določenem času preneha obstajati bívanje -a s (í) b) minljivost človeškega bivanja; pojem bivanja; ekspr. to ni življenje, ampak samo bivanje nèpovrátnost -i ž (ȅ-ā)nepovrnljivost: minljivost in nepovratnost časa / knjiž. izgubiti se v nepovratnost pozémski -a -o prid. (ẹ̑)knjiž. ki je na zemlji, ki pripada zemeljski stvarnosti: pozemske dobrote, težave; pozemska sreča / ekspr. on je čisto pozemski človek / v krščanstvu pozemsko življenje; sam.: minljivost vsega pozemskega Kaj pa tebi pomeni minljivost? Minljivost življenja?Continue reading “Minljivost del-15”

Anonimni hazarderji del-14

Za skupnost anonimnih hazarderjev sem prvič slišal pred desetimi leti. Znano mi je bilo, da obstajajo skupine za anonimne alkoholike, kaj več pa ne. Ker je moje gemblanje postalo neobvladljivo, sem si proti koncu študija v Ljubljani prvič poiskal pomoč. Na spletu sem našel kontaktno številko, lokacijo sestanka in termin. Zelo dobro se spominjam, kakšneContinue reading “Anonimni hazarderji del-14”

Življenje se začne, kjer se strah konča del – 8

Tako pravi Osho, indijski duhovni učitelj, avtor knjig na katere sem naletel med procesiranjem svojih težav. Odkril sem, da imam globoko v sebi težave s strahom. Ne cenim svoje izbire, vedno iščem drugo mnenje. Seveda se mi zdi zelo pomembno kaj drugi mislijo o meni, o mojih dejanjih in kaj bodo rekli na to. S takim načinom mišljenja sem odrastel. Pomembno je bilo kako izgledam in delujem navzven, ne glede na to, kaj zares mislim in čutim. Strah me je bilo, da pravi jaz ostalim ne bi ustrezal, zato sem vedno, če sem le zmogel, skušal vsem ustreči. Strah me je velikokrat ohromil, upočasnjeval ali celo povsem zaustavil. Tako sem preprosto obstal na določeni točki življenja in se zatekel v odvisnost. To je bil izhod iz realnosti in umik od težav.

Zelo močan vpliv na moje zdravljenje je imela odločitev, da želim ozdraviti in da sem se za to pripravljen boriti. Pripravljen sem bil na spremembe. S pomočjo pozitivnih misli in pogledov na svet, ki jih opisuje Osho, se je v meni začelo nekaj premikati. Poudarja, da naj pozornost prenesemo iz glave oz. naših misli na naše srce. Razmišljaj manj in čuti več. Naj nas ne bo strah novega. Pravi, da:

˝Tudi če vas novo zapelje v jarek, je še vedno vredno, kajti učimo se samo na napakah, rastemo pa samo, kadar imamo težave.˝

Ob takem branju sem začel na moje gemblanje gledati nekoliko drugače. Za nazaj ne morem spremeniti ničesar. Lahko pa sprejmem to, kar sem storil in se učim iz napak.

Ugotovil sem, da se ne znam zdravo jeziti. To čustvo sem potlačil, ker sem že v otroštvu sprejel, da se jeziti ne spodobi. Tudi žalosti se nisem naučil izražati. Vse to sem samo potlačil in živel naprej, kakor da se vmes ni nič zgodilo. Osho pravi, da žalost daje globino, veselje pa višino. Žalost nam krepi korenine, veselje pa krošnjo. Sreča je kot drevo, ki raste proti nebu. Žalost pa kot korenine, ki segajo globoko v zemljo. Oboje je potrebno, višje kot je drevo, globje so korenine. Vedno je v ravnovesju. Na tej točki sem sprejel sebe, takega kot sem. Očitno sem imel preplitve korenine za svoje cilje. Torej sem v fazi razraščanja korenin, kar pa se seveda ne zgodi samo od sebe. Potrebno je vložiti veliko truda.

Zalotil sem se, da pogosto predelujem številne možne scenarije in dogodke ter se v mislih kar izgubim. Prekomerno kompliciranje in razmišljanje brez ukrepanj ne vodi v pravo smer. Poizkušal sem več delati in manj misliti.

˝Glava kot sužnja je čudovita sužnja, izjemno koristna. V vlogi gospodarja pa je nevarna in zastrupi vso življenje.˝

Postopoma sem postajal bolj motiviran za zdravljenje in odločen, da premagam odvisnost. Razvijal sem pogum. Zapomnil sem si misli iz knjige: ˝Pogum ni odsotnost strahu, temveč popolna navzočnost strahu ob tem pa ima človek pogum, da se spopade z njim˝. Vsakodnevno sem si zadajal majhne nove cilje. Z vsakim uspešno opravljenim ciljem sem si krepil samozavest. Začel sem gledati širše in opazil vedno več podrobnosti na drugih in na sebi. Občudovati sem začel vsakodnevne stvari.

˝Ko enkrat opaziš lepoto življenja, se prične grdo razblinjati. Če pričneš gledati na življenje z radostjo, se začne žalost razblinjati. Ne moreš imeti raja in pekla istočasno. Le eno lahko imaš. Izbira je tvoja.˝

To je popolnoma drugačen način razmišljanja, kot sem ga bil vajen. Nekatere izjave so se mi zdele preveč preproste. Tako lahko pa vseeno ni. Težko je vse sprejeti in ostati miren. Tako da sem postopno razvijal takšen pristop in odzive na situacije, ki sem jih doživljal. Ko sebe preprosto sprejmeš takšnega kot si in ne takšnega kot želiš biti ter si dopoveš, da si odgovoren samo za sebe, stvari postanejo nekoliko lažje. In kar je bilo za mene najpomembnejše, lahko sem sprejel svojo odvisnost.

˝Ego je proces, ne realnost. Ego je lastnik želja in strahov. Oboje uporablja hkrati.
Ego poganjajo želje, to mu daje vitalnost, moč, energijo. Brez želja se ego ustavi.
Za razkrinkanje ega ni nobene metode. Potreben je uvid.˝

My inspiration and motivation part-7

During the treatment, one special method of therapy, was my favorite. Reciter club where we read poems from many different authors. Mostly Slovenian but also some foreign. In this fast world we are living, we forget the things that we actually like. Here in Slovenia we have a saying ˝Far from the eyes, far from the heart˝. And it is true. I didn’t take time to read poems although I loved it during my schooldays. In few months of treatment, I read a lot of poems and enjoyed every minute of doing that. Part of healing program is also that patients once a week read poems in front of whole hospital staff and other patients. When it was my turn for the first time I approached differently. Although we had many books of poetry, I chose a song of my favorite Slovenian rock group Mi2.

For many years my most loved song is Brez obžalovanj (No regrets). Through the treatment this song came on my mind for many times and I was thinking about lyrics a lot. That is why I chose it for my first performance. Lyrics can be interpreted in ˝gambling˝ way.

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bkk32U_0x8

Group: Mi2

Author of lyrics: Tone Kregar

No regrets

When it was the last time you went wrong

Believing, you were right?

When did you with the best intensions

Blinded, lied and cheat?

Repay all debt and interest

For every taken step.

No regrets.

At the crossroads of dreams,

No lamentations,

At the crossroads of dreams.

When was the last time you gritted your teeth,

Instead of screaming?

When you raised your hands too quickly

And surrendered in advance?

Spit on the devils, extinguish the bush,

Get off the ground.

No regrets.

At the crossroads of dreams,

No lamentations,

At the crossroads of dreams.

But sometimes, you can admit,

You pull yourself inward,

You let the moss outgrow your eyes,

And for a moment you just die.

When you don’t know what to do next,

And you don’t believe in new times,

Hold on and take care of yourself…

No regrets.

At the crossroads of dreams,

No lamentations,

At the crossroads of dreams.

Magnificent, magnificent and once more, magnificent. I am internally grateful for this song. It saved my life.

Kaj sem nadomeščal s svojim igranjem? Del – 12

Ena od ključnih nalog pri zdravljenju je odkrivanje vzrokov za nastanek odvisnosti. Po skoraj treh mesecih zdravljenja v bolnišnici, po prestanih številnih terapevtskih pogovorih in delavnicah sem pred celotnim oddelkom predstavil svojo debatno temo z naslovom ˝Kaj sem nadomeščal s svojim igranjem?˝. Izvirnik bom delil z vami. Kaj sem nadomeščal s svojim igranjem? Več knjigContinue reading “Kaj sem nadomeščal s svojim igranjem? Del – 12”

Moja inspiracija in motivacija del – 7

Med zdravljenjem sem se zbližal s prav posebno obliko terapije. Recitacijski krožek, kjer smo prebirali pesmi številnih avtorjev. V glavnem slovenskih, nekaj pa tudi tujih. Ob hitrem tempu življenja kot ga imamo, velikokrat pozabimo na stvari, ki jih imamo radi. Znan je rek, daleč od oči, daleč od srca. In res je. Sam si nikoli nisem vzel časa, da bi prebiral poezijo, čeprav sem tekom šolanja v njej vedno užival. Med večmesečnim zdravljenjem sem tako prebral ogromno pesmi in ob tem občutil neizmerno zadovoljstvo. Del terapije na našem oddelku za zdravljenje bolezni odvisnosti je naravnan tako, da vsak teden eden od zdravljencev pred celotnim osebjem in pacienti na prireditvi recitira izbrano pesem. Ko sem bil prvič na vrsti jaz, sem kljub pestri izbiri knjig na oddelku izbral malo drugačen pristop. Izbral sem pesem meni najljubše slovenske rock skupine, Mi2.

Že kar nekaj let mi je najbolj pri srcu pesem z naslovom Brez obžalovanj. Tekom zdravljenja se mi je kar naprej pojavljala v mislih, zato sem jo izbral za svoj prvi nastop. Besedilo si je mogoče razložiti na povsem ˝gemblerski˝ način.

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bkk32U_0x8

Skupina: Mi2

Avtor besedila: Tone Kregar

Brez obžalovanj

Kdaj si zadnjič šel narobe

V prepričanju, da stopaš prav?

Kdaj z najboljšimi nameni

Slepil, lagal in goljufal?

Vrni ves dolg in plačaj obresti,

Na vsak prehojen korak.

Brez obžalovanj,

Na križišču sanj,

Brez objokovanj,

Na križišču sanj.

Kdaj si nazadnje stisnil zobe,

Namesto da bi zakričal?

Kdaj prehitro dvignil roke

In se že vnaprej predal?

Pljuni na vraže, pogasi grmado,

Odženi se s tal.

Brez obžalovanj,

Na križišču sanj,

Brez objokovanj,

Na križišču sanj.

Včasih pa, lahko priznaš,

Se potegneš čisto vase,

Pustiš, da mah oči prerase,

In za trenutek kar umreš.

Takrat, ko naprej ne znaš

In ne verjameš v nove čase,

Drži se in pazi nase…

Brez obžalovanj,

Na križišču sanj,

Brez objokovanj,

Na križišču sanj. Izjemna, izjemna in še enkrat, izjemna. Večno bom hvaležen skupini Mi2 za tale njihov komad. Obdržal me je pri življenju.

Basic problems part – 6

After first few weeks of the treatment I got basic insight in my problems. I reconcile with the fact, that addiction was controlling my life. During this period, I accepted many compromises that were inevitable because of hiding the truth, running away from real feelings and because of creating false ego. I wasn’t capable of facing the truth. I was determined to change this. I accepted my dark side and started working on my mental health. I stopped running away from problems.

I analysed my problems and that drove me closer to the essence and source of them. Addiction originates inside of us. It is affected by family relationships, patterns, from the way you were raised up and by mental characteristics of a person. Most important period when susceptibility to gambling addiction is build up is from your birth to the sixth year of life. In this period there are many experiences that can cause trauma. We can be aware of it or not. We can repress traumatic feelings in our subconscious. It is believed that even the period of mother´s pregnancy is very important for mental health of a baby in the future. Most common mental characteristics of an addict are lack of self-respect, incapability of emotional communication (positive and negative), sense of inferiority, doubtfulness, need to be addicted to something or someone and too sensitive for daily problems. The cause of every addiction is very familiar. A lot of the times happens that someone gets rid of one addiction but then suffers from another. I find myself in many descriptions of addicts.

My family picture looks like this: father is not a strong figure, mother is the main figure, she controls everything and make allowances to a child. During child´s growing up parents have very different approaches. Sometimes they are too strict, other times too soft. I remember that I was really upset and angry because of badly set boundaries. Now I also have problems with boundaries. I rarely know how to put up for myself. In families of gambling addicts, money must´ve been really important. It was the same with us. Because I am a son of young parents, who weren´t planning the pregnancy, talking about problems with money was on the daily basis. Parents told me, that if they argued about something, it was almost every time about money. About the lack of it. I didn’t really know what they were arguing about but I took this in my adult life with me.

At this point of the treatment I was more or less aware only of basic consequences of my gambling. Most obvious one was the big debt that is really hard to pay off. Every time I remembered the debt I got bad feeling. If I am not careful, I get angry and frustrated because of it. Very noticeable difference between addict and non-addict is also not keeping up with peers, most of the time seen on material things. This can be quite painful for me. Other consequence is also that I am still living with my parents which I otherwise wouldn´t anymore. Because of addiction I isolated myself from anyone and anything that I could. I lied, a lot, so hard that it developed into a pathological lying. I am very ashamed of it. I lied about small things that didn´t even matter to me. After it I asked myself, why did I lie right now? I actually didn’t know why. I just did it subconsciously. Simply, this is pathological lying. Very important consequence is that I lost trust of many people. Fact that I lost trust of my girlfriend, my family and good friends hurts the most. Those to whom you have the deepest feelings and you love them, they get hurt the most. Terrible is that I did it again and again. After that I felt guilty, ashamed, burdened because of it. I was angry on myself for doing this to my loved ones. When I am thinking about all of the consequences it can happen fast that I fell negative energy taking over me. Then I remember myself that working on mental health must be my priority and it will get better.

Osnovna težava del – 6

Po nekaj tednih zdravljenja sem dobil osnovni uvid v moje težave. Sprijaznil sem se z dejstvom, da je odvisnost usmerjala moje življenje. V času odvisnosti sem sprejel mnogo kompromisov, ki so bili neizbežni zaradi skrivanja resnice, bežanja od čustev in ustvarjanja lažnega ega. Nikakor se nisem znal in želel soočiti z resnico ampak sem ji izmikal. Odločil sem se, da bom to spremenil. Sprejel sem svoje napake in začel z delom na sebi. Nehal sem bežati pred problemi.

Analiziranje težav me je pripeljalo bližje bistvu in izvoru mojih problemov. Odvisnost izhaja iz nas samih. Na to vpliva vzgoja, odnosi v družini, družinski vzorci ter duševne lastnosti posameznika. Ključno obdobje, v katerem se razvijejo zametki nagnjenosti k odvisnosti je od rojstva pa do šestega leta starosti. V tem času se odvijajo različni dogodki, ki lahko predstavljajo travmatsko izkušnjo. Travm se lahko zavedamo ali pa ne, lahko pa jih potlačimo globoko v podzavest. Zelo pomemben naj bi bil že čas materine nosečnosti.

Najpogostejše duševne lastnosti odvisnikov so pomanjkanje samospoštovanja, nesposobnost izražanja čustev (pozitivnih in negativnih), občutek manjvrednosti, negotovost vase, potreba po odvisnosti in preobčutljivost za vsakdanje težave. Vse vrste zasvojenosti so si glede na vzroke precej podobne. Velikokrat se zgodi, da nekdo preneha z eno odvisnostjo, se od nje distancira ampak nehote zapade v drugo. Sam sem se našel v številnih opisih odvisnikov.

Družinska slika je v mojem primeru takšna: oče je medla figura, mati pa tista ki vse nadzoruje in otroku daje potuho. Starši imajo tekom otrokove vzgoje zelo različne odzive, včasih so kruti drugič pa izrazito medli. Spomnim se, da so me zelo jezile slabo postavljene meje, vendar imam tudi sam težave z določanjem mej. To, da se postavim zase, se zgodi bolj redko.

V družinah odvisnikov od iger na srečo je velik poudarek na denarju. Tudi v mojem otroštvu je bilo tako. Ker sem prvorojenec mladih staršev, ki ju je nosečnost presenetila, so bili pogovori v katerih je bil tako ali drugače vpleten denar na dnevnem redu. Povedala sta mi, da sta se večkrat kregala zaradi denarja, saj ga je vedno primanjkovalo. Čeprav nisem vedel o čem točno se prerekata sem to nekako ponotranjil in te težave prenesel v odraslost. Na tej točki zdravljenja sem se zavedal samo osnovnih posledic hazardiranja. Najbolj očitna je seveda gromozanski dolg, ki ga je težko poravnati. Vsakič, ko pomislim nanj, me vsaj za trenutek prevzame negativna energija, če nisem pazljiv pa me kar posrka vase. Zelo opazno (velikokrat tudi zelo boleče) je zaostajanje za vrstniki, kar se v glavnem odraža v materialnih dobrinah. Ena od posledic hazardiranja pa je tudi to, da še vedno živim pri starših kar drugače zagotovo več ne bi. Zaradi odvisnosti sem se izoliral od vseh in vsega, kolikor se je le dalo. Razvil sem tudi patološko laganje, česar me je bilo zelo sram. To mi je tako zlezlo pod kožo, da se lahko zlažem tudi o nepomembnih stvareh pri katerih od laganja nimam nobene koristi. Včasih premlevam, zakaj sem se ravnokar zlagal? Kar zgodi se, nehote, podzavestno. Preprosto, patološko laganje. Zelo pomembna posledica je tudi izguba zaupanja mnogih ljudi. Najbolj boli izguba zaupanja partnerke, družine in prijateljev. Tisti, ki ti pomenijo največ v življenju in do katerih gojiš najgloblja čustva, so najbolj prizadeti in izigrani. Najhuje je, da sem to počel kar naprej. Kasneje pa čutil breme, krivdo in obsojanje ravno zaradi tega, kako sem ravnal z meni ljubimi ljudmi. Ko vse to privre na površje, ko razmišljam o vseh vzrokih in posledicah, lahko hitro postanem negativen in zagrenjen. Zato se zavedam, da je negovanje mentalnega zdravja potrebno iz dneva v dan.

Desire? It´s familiar to me part – 5

First work I had to do in the treatment, was writing a biography. I had to describe my feelings, experiences, important events in my life, fears, disappointments and desires. It is important that you remember your childhood. That you find your first memories and feelings about them. I had big troubles with finding my first memory. It was difficult to know what really was my memory or just something I knew from photographs. You have to be honest to yourself and that is not always easy. You have to talk about your relationship with your parents, family, friends, relatives and schoolmates. You have to describe your gambling addiction in details and talk about all of the consequences that happened along the way.

Second work was to learn commitment, to obey rules of the hospital and the department of addictions. Meaning that information about other patients is forbidden to share in public. Because of this I will be strictly talking only about my story. I will not use other patient names and their information.

Treatment is better if your partner or a friend is cooperating. In my case that was my girlfriend who accepted my invitation to cooperate in the treatment. I chose her, because I imagine the rest of my life with her. I knew that if we want to develop authentic relationship, improve communication and rebuild trust, this is a step in the right direction. I took this like a challenge, that we can learn something from this hard experience. My girlfriend´s decision that despite that I betrayed her trust again, she would cooperate in the treatment, gave me new inspiration and motivation. I have to admit, that I asked myself a few times, why did she decide to stay. Why didn’t she quit this messy relationship? I caused her a lot of troubles and gave her quite painful experiences. And she is still standing beside me. Is this because of love? Or is she also lost in this world as much as I am? Is she not brave enough to leave or is she strong enough to believe that I will resolve all my problems? Maybe she trusts me more than I trust myself. I didn’t have answers to those questions. I expected, that I would be alone in this. Honestly I was really happy about her decision. Her cooperating meant that we have had lessons and therapy session once a week together. That is also a kind of protection for health staff that patients will talk truthfully. Therapists find out quickly, that many patients tell totally different stories when someone is with them compared to when they are alone.

Final work I had to do before my first weekend exit was description of my addiction from very beginning to where I am now. When I stared to talk, I forgot where I am and who am I talking to. Details about everything were just bursting out of me. From the tiny first signs of addiction to the situation now, when my whole world has collapsed. During my student times I had a lot of time and small amounts of money. But progress of my addiction was incredible. I totally isolated myself from my best friends. I stopped talking about my emotional life with my family. My answers to my family were always the same. How are you? Fine. And how is this? And that? Good. Also fine. I will. Ok. But I am saying to you that I am fine! I was relieved when I was able to go to Ljubljana. I was alone there and I had peace, my PC and online sports betting sites. If I was lucky, I got all day long gambling sessions, planning, moments of enthusiasm when winning and scary anger when loosing, only for 10€. When I had to go for new PSC (pay safe card) on the same spot over and over again I got embarrassed. The lady on cashier desk looked at me sadly. I always only bought PSC. I had no money for magazines or drinks. I didn’t want to spend it on anything else. I always thought to myself I can drink tap water. I had to have 10€ in case if I lost again. Just in case. On my mind was only gambling, nothing else. From that form of living I developed severe depression. When I was lucky, I was excited and was plotting about resolving my situation and how I will prove to everyone that this can be a way of living. But at the end I was always sad, with no money and full of negative energy. But then I was thinking that luck is just avoiding me now. That I always miss it for a moment, that I just need luck and everything will be fine. This is a complicated mind of a gambler.

When I finished with my story in front of all other patients, nobody didn’t ask me anything. They were just quietly looking at me, visibly in shock. Only a therapist said that she cannot believe how openly and full of desire I talked. Because I was talking from the heart, my competitive energy and desire to win were shining out of me. At that point everyone else realized what I had already known. Addiction has completely overcome and supervise me.